Infatuation and lust are the words for today. That, and lazy and stupid. Lets start with one set.

First, I'm once again lost for a girl that I can never have. I think about her constantly and want to be with her constantly, but I can't. It can never be and it crushes me. I'm so lonely, I'm so lonely, and I can't seem to find any relief. I don't know what to do. I'm ready to break down into tears about this. I can't do this any more. I can't just stay here and be completely lonely. Something needs to change, and I pray that it is soon. Please help me find something.

Second, the kids are all so damn lazy and stupid. I can't believe this any more. I'm incredibly frustrated with all of them, but I don't know what to do. How can I feel this way? I'm frustrated with the powers that be, I'm frustrated with drama for next year, I just don't know what to do. Hopefully some distance will give me some perspective. But I don't think I'll last more than one more year. They anger me constantly. I can't chew butt, I can't motivate them, they don't want my help and they wont be successful in the future. These are the kids that need me the most, but these kids won't let me help them. I don't know what to do.

I'm thinking about getting out of teaching.
I need someone in my life.
I'm so lonely.

Need perspective.
Need compassion.
Need rest.

later.

You need to be honest w/yourself & accept regardless of how much it hurts, it's not going to be. Acceptance is one hard thing to conqure. But we need to have the strength to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, & the wisdom to know the difference. You know the truth, now the biggest thing is accepting that fact. The only thing you can do is your best to put it in your past. Know you have to move on, move forward. You need to start a new beginning. Go to different places, try to do different things. Stay away from things that are going to trigger memories that are going to do nothing but hurt you. Try to make up your mind you're going to start a new life. You honestly do not know who is out there who just might come along & change your life in a way you never tho't possible. Try to think positive & do everything in your power to make a new life for yourself. Maybe a friend can be of help to you. Work on it, try as hard as you can. You don't know where your life is going to take you. You don't know who you just might meet. Give yourself a chance with an open mind. I truly wish you the best.

There are days I hate my job. Today seemed to be one of those days.

I guess it started with last night at parent teacher conferences. Right at the beginning T's mom comes and guilts trip for kicking T out of drama. Telling me that I took something from T that she loved, and that telling a 15 year old that I don't want to hear their excuses isn't the way to handle it. I just kept my mouth shut. I think that was the good thing, but it was hard. She wasn't going to do much if she was unwilling to work with others, others were afraid to work with her, she didn't know her part, and all she EVER gave me was excuses. It was never her fault (of course) and I guess I needed to fix everything. If drama was something she had loved that much then you'd think she'd have shown up with a good attitude, not missed a month, then had a month worth of excuses. Other parents were upset that my last grade was on the 21st. 7 days ago, true, but two days for a weekend, two days for easter break, and one day for a track meet. She's really only mad about maybe two days. These parents have instant access to their kids grades 24/7, I'm easily contacted through e-mail, and the year is over in three weeks. These are not new problems. How dense can you be.

So, I didn't get home until 8:45 last night. Passed out around 9:30 and was back at work by 7:20. Keeping in mind that I don't get off hours. I teach every hour of every day. I'm buried under lesson plans, grading, prom is this week, the drama kids have lost focus, teachers are losing jobs, and my mentor is in the hospital with cancer. I tried to go outside and run around a little bit, after ten minutes I was sweating, could hardly breath, and was dieing. I felt completely out of shape. I'm just not a happy camper. I've walked a lot of it out, but when one of our performances gets shoved back (that we had planned months in advance), when our props still aren't done, and when I still have to take tables and crap off the stage, I'm just so sick of this crap. These kids have no work ethic, are either so lazy they are worthless or so damn dumb I have to watch them do anything. I'm just sick of this whole proccess. I'm hoping break will give me back some of my passion. But I'm so tired, so very very tired. I can hardly move. I'm exhausted all the time.

Break can't come soon enough.
Prayers for Mrs. Berens in the hospital.
Wish me luck on the play and my sanity.
I hope other great teachers had hard days like this, sometimes I don't feel like I'll be that great.
Later.