I move in a week. There's a bad movie on TV, Mimic, I think. I haven't packed anything. I have done pretty much nothing. I've done some thinking about how my class this next year is going to be run, but not much. Done some planning and thinking, so I'm not going in ass-backwards, I've just been preoccupied lately. I dont really know how to describe it.

I've been staying in touch with a friend from college. I dont have many friends, in fact, I wouldn't say I had any friends, except maybe this girl. But for some reason I feel bad when I talk to her. I feel forced into going up and seeing her. I feel like I'm doing things I dont want to do or that I shouldn't be doing. Like when Steve and Bobby came back into my life for a brief time. I enjoyed going out with them, but I hated having to go out with them. I hated going out with them, I hated doing things, I hate talking on the phone, I hate feeling forced into doing things that for Christ's sake I dont want to do. But here's the kicker. Nobodies forcing me to go a god damn thing. I dont know what the problem is. I'm afraid to turn on my phone because I dont want to drive for an hour and a half to see her. I dont know. I dont really want to see her. That's a lie, yes I do. Why's it got to be so damn hard.

Let me lay it on the line for you. I'm single. I'm really still getting over the most heart breaking experience I've ever been through. I've lost pretty much any and all hope in the pantheon called "friendship," quite honestly I'm not sure such a thing exists. I'm a lonely, lonely human being, but I'm totally terrified to go out and hang with people. On top of that, I'm am so sick of my family I cant believe it. My dad's turned into a jellyfish, no spine at all, and yet wants to continually complain about things that he isn't going to change. He has no problem riding my ass and getting in my face, even though my sister does even less than I do. He gets mad at me for not throwing something away, that she broke. All of a sudden it's my fault. He wont stand up to anyone, he wont let me do things my way, he argues in a whiny way where you just give in or he becomes all bitchy. He tells me to do whatever I want, then gets all mad when I haven't read his mind and done what he wanted to. My mom is still bitching at me about my new Ipod Touch. A graduation gift, 3 months ago, and she continues to bitch at me about how I didnt do my research and should have just gotten an Iphone. Even though I dont want the phone I have. She's harassing me about what happens when I decide to move out of the apartment I'm moving into and want to move into somplace bigger, how am I going to move all my stuff. I haven't even made the first move yet and she's already bugging the crap out of me about a second move sometime in the future. I swear to god. And my sister. Oh god I'm at my wits end with that girl. She's asking for a punch to the throat. She complains that she cant sleep, she has bad dreams, theres a huge backstory that I'm not even supposed to know about, so she stays up until 4 in the morning. Oh, but she can sleep well enough to stay in bed until 2 in the afternoon. She does absolutely nothing. I've done little, I'll admit it, but compared to her I'm freaking Hercules. She complains and whines about some loser guy, yet she just keeps crawling back to these same guys, she is a complete and total moron, and whenever I try to make her feel better, I get in trouble. I'm am so done with these people. I want absolutely nothing to do with them. They wont even let me move unless they say when and how, it's ridiculous. And here's the kicker ladies and gentlemen, the reason I cant get out from under their thumbs. They have everything. Every dime I have has gone into these bank accounts that I cant touch. There names are on all of them and I have nothing. Some of these accounts are totally freaking secret. I stuff I dont even know where it is. I dont have a cent to my name. And to top it all off. The cherry on the whole enchilada. They all hate each other. My mom's constantly pissed at my sister, my dad wont stand up to my sister, my sister's a complete and total bitch, my dad and my mom will annoy the hell out of one another, they cant stand spending time together. My dads a lazy bum, and my moms a know-nothing who cant keep her mouth shut for ten minutes without arguing about some dumbass thing. Then there's my grandma and aunt who apparently have to be involved in ever faucet of our life. I'm sick of them, I cant even imagine what my dad goes through. So, I have to keep them all in their seperate corners and not killing one another. It may sound pretentious and stupid, but I bascally hold my family together. I dont think they would still be together if I wasn't able to seperate them out one from the others and give them what they need from me. A friend/confidant for my dad. A goofball with a positive attitude for my sister. A gossiper and complainer-too for my mom. I play a specific role for eac of them, and when I'm not here to play the role, they all get mad at one another. Then theres the fact that the house has been flooding. Without me they wouldnt be able to clear all the water out of th windowsills. Instead of trying to fix it or make it better. My dad complains and shoots down ideas. Whatever man, I dont care if you dont fix it, then stop complaining about it. Or, fix it, then you can complain about it. But frankly, you cant have your cake and eat it too. Get off your ass and do something about it. He wasn't even willing to do anything for our dog on the 4th. The guy next door has a nuclear warhead and he just sits there and bitches about it. Shit or get off the pot man. My sister needs to grow a pair, I'm sick of her. I've been through harder shit than she's going through. I'm sorry, at least she had a chance to be happy and be with someone she liked,, I got my heart ripped out and the damn thing shown to me before she laughed in my face and kicked me in the nuts. She's got nothing on that, she's just being a little bitch. And my mom needs to get off my back. I swear to god if she makes one more back handed comment about my Ipod I'm going to snap.

At least I was able to vent a little here. Thanks Internet Man for listening. The Ipod touch is freaking awesome. Only seven more days and I'm out of here.

Go read The Road by Cormac McCarthy, it was awesome. I'm going to see that movie too

Wish me luck
Wish me love
Wish me guidance

Later all.

Absolutely Nothing

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it 'Chops'
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed alot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it.

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it 'Autumn'
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed alot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it 'Innocence: A Question'
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at 3am he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly.

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it 'Absolutely Nothing'
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen.

- by Osoanon Nimuss

I found this in the book The Perks of Being a Wallflower a few years ago. It's worth a read.

Later.