Writer's Block

I have a 15 page paper due on Thursday. I'm so stressed and worried about it that I'm worrying about the grade and not about writing the paper. I'm more concerned about the length than anything else. I dont know. I'm too worried to write about it. So I'm sitting here just writing on me blog. Killing time I guess.

Hey, if you havent seen Wall-E yet, you need to. That movie is awesome. Rattatoie, or whatever, sucked. Turned me off of Pixar, was sick of it. Was kind of dragged into Wall-E when it was in theaters, and I fell in love with it right away. Easily as good as Monster's Inc. and maybe as good as Toy Story. Wall-E is top notch.

What else? Picked up Eulalia, the latest Redwall book, from Brian Jaques. Love the series, have for a longed time, just starting, but it seems pretty good. A nice change of pace from DeLillo, that guy just gets old. He's not bad, dont get me wrong, he's just . . . thick I guess.

I'm putting off the paper tonight. Might take tomorrow off too. Get back into school on Monday. Start the old noodle going and pick it back up. Only 4000 more words before Thursday. Any ideas on DeLillo's use of groups in his prologue to Underworld and how the existance of one group can only be defined by its opposite, please share.

See ya all.

Student Teaching

Ok, it's been awhile, sorry but not much going on. Got a ton of crap to do, the more I do the more I realize how stupid it all is. It's almost done. I think this 15 page paper may be the death of me, but I'll fight through it or something.

I met my match-up for student teaching yesterday. I dont know. There's just so much. So much to do, so much to remember, so much everything. I'm totally excited and thrilled to finally get into a classroom. This other crap is bull. I just got to get through it. I dont know. This guy seems pretty cool. Smart, and defenitly trying to get onto that cutting edge of teaching dynamically. I'm not sure he's close to Mr. Martin, but he seems totally open and cool to letting me try some new stuff. I'm thinking I'm going to get some great experience, and if this guy says I'm good, he's got a ton of pull in the faculty. This guy is like a 20 year veteren, best in the district, at least that's what the vice principal said. So this could get a me a good chance at a job.

I did have a couple of problems. He's in charge of 5 classes. 2 AP language and Comp, and 3 Contemporary Literature. He cant really give me the AP classes. Not directly. It's not fair to the kids that have to take this class, and it's not fair to me, and he's taken classes to learn how to teach this class, a lot of little things, thant basically mean we're "team teaching" the class. That's cool, I can handle that no problem. The problem becomes that I get to take over for only one class. The contemporary literature class. I only have to prepare for one class. Preperation is one thing that a ton of people have gotten in trouble with, and it doesnt seem like I'm going to get that experience. That's a double edged sword. Easier now for the guy that's just starting off, but will it prepare me for when I have a bunch of different classes and no safety-net. I dont know, good and bad. He also basically said that the classes are mine. He never really told me all my book options, he gave me a few and was trying to give me ideas for ways to set up the lesson. His ideas are great, but I want to look at all of my options. I think this could be really cool, and I'm totally excited to try it out.

This is going to sound stupid, but I dont know what to ask. Questions take me time. The assistant principal pulls me in his office and asks what questions I have. I just asked, what do I need to know? I dont know what to ask, and I'm not sure what answers I should be looking for. I dont know, that sounds stupid, I just need to get in there and sink my teeth in. Sink or Swim, give it to me and lets do this thing. I dont know, just want to try it out, I want to give it my best shot and see how things go. I didnt have a safety net when I first coached. I went to the coaches meeting and the clinic, then I was thrown into a gym with 11 six-year-olds and was told to have fun. I dont know, I just need to get in there and out from behind the desk.

Back to the homework.
Later All.

I am tired tonight. I'm not sure why, but today beat me with a stick. One day closer to break, that's all that matters. Not much going on, no desire to do anything.

Something interesting happened today though. My match-up teacher kicked a boy out of her room today. He wouldnt return to his seat, she gave him a token argument, then she kicked him out. Well, after he used a string of four letter words, including but not limited to "this class is fucking-bullshit." It bothers me that she picks that fight, she wants him out of her class. She has made that quite clear, and she's had repeated problems with him. I just dont get it. What was encouraging was how almost helpful the rest of the students were. I had one tense moment, when he walked by the teacher to get to the door. I sat just to her left and behind her, observing the class, and I had a flash in my mind of him taking a swing. That may sound stupid, but I was ready to move. He walked behind her, and she never even turned around, he just left. Nothing Happened. Let me make that clear, he didnt do anything, but that's where my mind went. I've been in a couple of tougher schools than this place, that's all. But the rest of the class was totally on the teacher's side. They completly agreed with her, and supported her. It was a tense couple of moments, and the rest of the class was totally supportative. It just surprised me. Kids amaze me everyday. From that first moment I started working with them (basketball coach) and they started shooting lay-ups just because I told them to. To the kid that finally picked-up a dictionary, the kids that are already working to go to college, the students that sat there and did their work just because I asked them to. They amaze me, day in and day out. That was cool.

Later all.

I talked to my mentor-teacher for student teaching today. I'm so excited. I'm sure I sound like a moron in my emails, but I just cant seem to care, I'm so freaking excited. This is going to be awesome. Pretty easy day today. Gave a presentation in my first class. I was the best, short, sweet, to the point, and done. I may have been the only one in the time limits, but I'm a little biased. This is the class where People Fucking Suck, so I need to impress, and I continue to everytime I get in front of the class. Tomorrow I get my feedback on my lesson from Thursday. I'm hoping to get to the gym. Not much. I'm want this week to be over. Get to go home and see my family on Friday, get to be in my class on Tuesday, play basketball on Monday. This week is just in the way right now, you know what I mean. Semesters almost over, about freaking time. Not much else. Got a 15 page paper I want to get some feedback on. Got another paper to start. Both aren't due until after break, but I dont want to do any work over break. Stuffs pretty chill right now. I'm waiting for that big being in the sky to smack me, I'm sure it's coming, so I'll try to stay on my toes. I just need this week to be over. Keep your fingers crossed everybody, things are starting to look up and that can only mean things are about to get worse. Lord knows I cant get out of this semester this easily.

Peace all.

Saturday

Walked up to Blockbuster today. Rented some crap, I'm not even sure I can remember what, just something to keep my attention for the night. Been asked to go to a party,, but havent heard back form them yet, so we'll see how that goes. While I was out I went to this new place up here, Five Guys Burgers and Fries. I was pleasantly surprised. The price was a little much for me to make it a routine or anything. But I had to eat my way through a mound of fries just to get to the burger in the bag. Then the burger was freaking amazing. Dripping with grease, cheese, and burger juice. Not very healthy, but who wants to live to be 90 anyway. Not bad, add it to the list of stuff I have to show my parents when they come up.

Read some interesting stuff on Bud Hunt's blog, Bud The Teacher. Interesting parallels between the need to satisfy the self and the community. I left a comment about how I think it could be the growing interconnectivity of the world. I dont know, just some interesting stuff to ponder. I try to keep up with a couple of teacher blogs. They provide interesting things to think about and sometimes ways to incorporate it into a classroom. I just like to rant about pointless bullshit on my blog, but to each his own. Bud Hunt is a CSU grad, that's about all I know about him, and my advisor told me that. I found his blog through another guy's blog.

Then I spent the day on YouTube. I know that sounds bad, nerdy and anti-social, but it was already like 3 after a trip to the store. There is a lot of really weird stuff out there, man. Some of it is just freaking hilarious, some of it is just plain time wasting. But it's still cool. Like an archive of the human past present and future. Like, I was watching Steve Martin do some stand-up. I never had the chance to see him. He's freaking hilarious. This is like the chronological of the times. The ultimate history lesson of pop-culture. The loss of the real and totally Post-Modern, that I can type in the name Jackie Gleason and see a man that's been dead for awhile comes alive on the screen. "Bang, Zoom, straight" back to unreality.

Oh, I have a couple of movies on YouTube. There's this thing that you can see where people are from that are watching your movies. Apparently I'm like a god to the Australians and Jordans. All of .02 views from those countries. Switzerland only gave me a .01, so they can all just go to hell, the neutral bastards. No, No, I kid. I have some old-old family lines back in Switzerland somewhere. I'm afraid they may have been lost with my Grandma. It was just so cool to see that these other countries could watch my incredibly unpopular videos. I dont know. It's like what the guy felt when Edison first turned on the light bulb. Just a sense of unreality and change. You can almost feel the change in the world around you as you watch the most momentous thing in our history. I got the same feeling from 9/11. Only time can tell where this is all going, hopefully down a happier path. I wouldn't want Andy Kaufman on The Dating Game to be the only reminants of us that our future has.

My videos suck. They are for very specific reasons. I put them up as part of a school thing. Here's the latest one . . . If I can get this thing to work.

Later all, enjoy the weather wherever you are.

High School Musical

Thats right boys and girls, I went to the high school musical. Oh man. AWKWARD. Kids making out on stage and touching each other. The kind of stuff I'm supposed to break up, and they're up there parading it around. It was okay. The kids were great. Come on, I couldnt do nothing like that. Singing and dancing, remembering lines and such. That crap is hard. The kids were awesome. The story was a little weak. Think Romeo and Juliet meets Aladdin, sort of. Just . . . weird. Still I ended up enjoying it greatly. I'm a sucker for a romance.

Not much else. Cant really remember what I did to today. Started reflecting on my lesson from yesterday. I got seven hand written pages before class started. I got through most of it, but I still have a bunch to write about. Finished my Data project for a class. And started writing lessons for my Unit Plan. Pretty easy day I guess. As easy as it gets here in the first level of hell. Gonna try to get as much work done this weekend so I dont have to take it home with me over the break.

I guess that's it.

Later.

Lesson 2

This lesson was going to be tough. I think I knew that coming in. I was doing whatever I wanted, completely. My Mentor teacher offered advise and guidance, but basically I was on my own. The idea was cool, the theory maybe would have worked, but in practice it was a lot fo work. I ended up giving two huge lectures with a ton of information. I think I taught the Rhetorical Triangle in about 10 minutes. I tried too much. I want to be in front of them for weeks at a time and work through the stuff, but I got one day to basically try to cram in as much as I could. In theory it may have worked, but it was too much in practice. I got great feedback, and my students continue to tell me how much they love my lessons and how fun they are, which I take as good. My observation teacher seemed a little miffed and I have to wait for tuesday to get her feedback, but I think I may already know what she's going to say. I dont know. It was a lot of fun. I got some positive feedback. most of what I could work on my Mentor teacher just shrugged and said that it comes with practice and time. I just seem to put a lot of pressure on myself. I demand perfection, and I critique every little thing until I go nuts about it. That's just my personality, I need to get over it and change my way of thinking. I'm trying, but that takes a lot of time. It was solid. Something I think I can do in another class. So it wasn't all bad. I need to get away from it a little bit. Let it sit on my head, sleep on it, process, then I can reflect and grow. I know it's not all bad, there was some good there. I just tried too much too fast. I may have blew some minds today, always cool to do, just not very helpful. I may have totally opened new ways of thinking. I dont want to just be one of those teachers that gives them the information and say "have fun" I want to put it to some use.

Whatever, next topic. I'm going to the school play tomorrow night. Elton John's Aieda(?), I love Elton so that should be pretty cool. One more week until break.

Played basketball last night. We lost, as to be expected, but I was horrible. Damn, I think I shot 0-6. I'm one of those people that knows when to stop shooting though, so I try not to drag my team down. I still dominated the boards. 10-15 rebounds in a reduced version of the game. I always seemed to get screwed by the refs. I was getting the ball, it was entering my hands, when I just got nailed. Full body right in the back. I went flying, and all I can do is stand there. I dont know. The guys I usually play with. We've played together for 7 years now. They've played together even longer, I'm the new guy, and I think a lot of the problem comes form trust, communication, and just playing with one another. One of my own players sets a pick on me and I end up fouling a guy because I cant get there. We throw balls away, we crowd the middle. I mean, that's basketball, as a coach I can fix it, but we're not there to be part of a team, we're there to just have some fun. They wont even agree on a time to meet in the week to shoot around. I dont care. I dont care about winning or losing. I wish I didnt have to get the crap knocked out of me, but whatever. I just love to play. People Fucking Suck, and basketball just clears my mind, even if for only an hour.

Later all.

Basketball tonight. Just have got go through the BS that NCTE has become. I'm just sick of it. Beyond the fact that People Fucking Suck, I've just become disillusioned by the whole thing. It used to mean something, it used to help people and bring people together, it used to be important and informative. Now I just have to be there because I'm the Treasurer. It's become a hassle, and I dont see it lasting past this semester anyway. All the members are in my class, they are all about to quit. And I can see saying good riddance. We've lost our way. We're not getting the best speakers, just some volunteers that can take an hour out of their night. Whatever, just two more meetings and it'll be over. Oh, well, so long NCTE.

Basketball will be cool though. I always love to play. And to get to play with a group and stuff, that's just awesome. I dont know how well we'll do, but I just love the game. I dont care about winning and losing. It gets my mind off of stuff, and lets me just be me for a little while. Tomorrow I gets to teach, so that's probably what I'll write about. I'm super excited and think it will go great. I'm looking forward to it immensly. I dont know why. I'm unsure about the material, will be out all night playing basketball, dont know what kinds of resources I'll have at my dispence, and could easily see this just falling flat. But it'll make a big splash when it hits the water. So, it should be pretty cool.

Later all, got to go buy a pizza for NCTE. See ya.

The 11th

As usual, November 11th blindsided me. Typical. I hate this day, for years I've hated this day. Just like all the other times, I thought it would be an ok day. I woke up, got to be in my class, had an ok time talking with my collegues in class. A lot of people were smiling at me, and it just seemed like a good day. Everyone just seemed super nice, and super happy, and for the first time in a long time I felt like I was part of something.
Then I was blindsided. Got a paper back with a big ol' "C" on it. I thought it was a good paper. I really liked the paper, thought I had some good ideas and had really made an interesting point that we hadn't looked at in class. I thought it was interesting, I thought it was good, I got a "C." Now I get to go into fall break with 2 c's, one of them maybe a c-. If I get less then a "C" on any class, it counts as a fail and I have to retake it. That could set my whole life back a year, it could force me to stay up here even longer, and I just dont think I could handle it. I really dont know what to do. I dont know how to handle it. Cried a little bit. I just dont think I can stay here another year. I dont know what to do. God, I hate the 11th. Pull for me everybody, I'm a little lost, and need those good vibes.

Later.

Not much today. Class. Got rid of my Year Long Plan. That was cool. It was nice to finally get to see and do something as a real teacher would. I've been working to be a teacher for four years, and will be in a classroom next semester. And it was nice to finally get to sink my teeth into something real.

Life's funny sometimes. People Fucking Suck. I couldnt get the shit off my mind today. This is always a tough week. The week of the 11th, just always a tough week, ever since I've been 16. I dont know why, this week just always seems like a bitch. I love my music. I think it helps me with everything. I just love it, having it, holding it, being it. I think I'd go nuts, seriously fucking nuts, if I didnt have it. Like Manson fucking crazy. Just weird. I get to teach music on Thursday. I think it'll be freaking awesome. I hope it works out. As a teacher, I ahve to say that this isnt the best way to do something. Breaking off completely from what they would normally do so that I can interject. i think I have some cool ideas and I think the class could be really cool. i just also think it could be a real struggle. I dont know. It'll be interesting. I'll keep you posted.

I guess that's it for tonight. Got to get up in the morning. Get to go to work. Tuesdays and Thursdays are the hardest days, but they are the best days too. Weds. suck because of NCTE. People Fucking Suck, and I just have to deal with it that day the most. But I joined a basketball team, so the night gets pretty cool, and it gets my mind off of it a little bit afterwards, I just have to deal with it.

Okay, peace out people.

Well, it took 4 years and a broken laundry machine, but I think I finally found someone in this godforsaken place that would be worth saving. My laundry machine freakin' broke. I didnt overload, I didnt put too much soap in, nothing like that. It just freaking broke. So I come back after putting my stuff away and there's a huge water spill right next to my machine. My jaw hits the floor. Unbelievable. And to top everything off, I'm out of quarters. I got nothing. I'm basically screwed. This guy, dont know his name, dont know why, dont know nothing about him. He helps me try to fix the machine, then he reaches into his own pocket and gives me two bucks to run another machine. I was amazed.

It can be hard to see, we can miss it sometimes, but there is good out there. There are people worth saving. There are good people. I think he might be pissed at me, and I feel a little bad. I was actually planning on skipping the dryer. But the manager came in, I told him what happened, and he gave me my money back. So I got to use the dryer. I need to run back to my room and get a couple bucks to pay the man back.

There is good out there, it just took me awhile to find it.

Later.

Here's Nicky

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am back.

Had to change locations, had to get over some shit. People Fucking Suck. Let's just leave it at that shall we. It's over, I'm done.

Okay, so I'm just getting this stuff all ready. Getting myself reaquainted with this blogging. I'm going to make another blog for when I start student teaching. Man, four years freaking gone. Not fast enough. 5 weeks and counting people. I'm going to meet my Match-up during Thanksgiving. Pondo here I come baby. This is going to be fucking awesome.

I've got a new set of Favorites:

1. Bowling For Soup: Their greatness is easily Beatles comparable.
2. Wall-e: Little robot stole my heart and made me fall in love all over again.
3. Soon, I Will Be Invincible: Every minute, every page, every sentence, pure magic.

I guess that's all for now. It's nice to be back. Nice to stretch those cyber legs again. I'm ending that chapter of my life, the chapter entitled "People Fucking Suck," It's over, It's good to be back, catch you all later.