Leaving

10-17-11

I didn't get the head coaching basketball job.
They gave it to a guy who has ruined a team for the past 7 years.
Today is the day I had my mind made up for me. I'll be leaving Bethune come Spring.
Good luck future me.

Later

Call for Change

The United States of America is based on simple foundations. Lincoln said it best when he called it a government, "of the people, by the people, for the people." And he desired nothing more then for this government to survive through the ages and withstand any storm. With the recent deficit crisis, the current wars, the state of public education, the proposed cuts of medicare, medicaid, unemployment, and welfare, with the huge numbers of unemployed Americans, with the slanting media, and wavering politicians, I see only that we have failed. Lincoln's dream is dead.

The government is no longer of the people. They are all rich and entitled. They are not the best, nor the brightest, nor the best for the job. They do not have the best ideas, they no longer add to the world around them. It costs money to put their faces out there, it only makes sense that the people with the most money would have the ability to run for power. The common man is barely able to put food on the table for his family. The common man works 40 hours a week. The common man does the best he can and is barely able to get by in our society. Our government simply has the money and time to get their face out there. They are not of the people. They are a select minority of the people. As though the entire body were run completely by the left foot.

The government is no longer by the people. People cry out to end the war, and it continues. People cry out for relief from a natural disaster and they receive no help. People ask for jobs and the government finds ways for C.E.O.s to simply line their pockets. Mostly because the government is made up of these same C.E.O.s. They work for their own means, they work to better themselves. They work to gain.

The government is no longer for the people. Senators, Representatives, Governors, even the President, are all rich. They are also human beings. And therefore they are flawed. We need look no further than the novel 1984 to realize that the people in power wish to remain in power. Why would they upset the balance? They have nothing to gain and everything to lose. They don't work for the people, they work for themselves.

Sadly, it is the fault of the people of these great states. We have allowed this, and we have accepted this. This is nothing new and yet we act like we are surprised by the "laws" that come from the top. They take huge chunks of our money from taxes, then vote themselves pay raises. Our past administration took the most time off of any president while we were fighting two wars. He gave huge tax cuts to the people that could easily pay their taxes, and he hurt the people that needed him the most. Our government has failed us. It is only through civil disobedience that we can change this. Our forefathers knew there would come a time when things would need to change. They encouraged change, and encouraged people to rise up when their government had failed them. I ask you to please consider our government, consider their actions and decide if they are truly "of the people, by the people, and for the people."

Later.

banana bread

Banana Bread Recipe:

Prep time: 5 minutes Cook time: 1 hour

Ingredients:
3 or 4 ripe bananas, smashed
1/3 cup melted butter
1 cup sugar (can easily reduce to 3/4 cup)
1 egg, beaten
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 teaspoon baking soda
Pinch of salt
1 1/2 cups of all-purpose flour

Method
No need for a mixer for this recipe. Preheat the oven to 350°F (175°C). With a wooden spoon, mix butter into the mashed bananas in a large mixing bowl. Mix in the sugar, egg, and vanilla. Sprinkle the baking soda and salt over the mixture and mix in. Add the flour last, mix. Pour mixture into a buttered 4x8 inch loaf pan. Bake for 1 hour. Cool on a rack. Remove from pan and slice to serve.

Found on SimplyRecipies.com and it has worked great for me.

Can also add nuts or chocolate chips

Infatuation and lust are the words for today. That, and lazy and stupid. Lets start with one set.

First, I'm once again lost for a girl that I can never have. I think about her constantly and want to be with her constantly, but I can't. It can never be and it crushes me. I'm so lonely, I'm so lonely, and I can't seem to find any relief. I don't know what to do. I'm ready to break down into tears about this. I can't do this any more. I can't just stay here and be completely lonely. Something needs to change, and I pray that it is soon. Please help me find something.

Second, the kids are all so damn lazy and stupid. I can't believe this any more. I'm incredibly frustrated with all of them, but I don't know what to do. How can I feel this way? I'm frustrated with the powers that be, I'm frustrated with drama for next year, I just don't know what to do. Hopefully some distance will give me some perspective. But I don't think I'll last more than one more year. They anger me constantly. I can't chew butt, I can't motivate them, they don't want my help and they wont be successful in the future. These are the kids that need me the most, but these kids won't let me help them. I don't know what to do.

I'm thinking about getting out of teaching.
I need someone in my life.
I'm so lonely.

Need perspective.
Need compassion.
Need rest.

later.

You need to be honest w/yourself & accept regardless of how much it hurts, it's not going to be. Acceptance is one hard thing to conqure. But we need to have the strength to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, & the wisdom to know the difference. You know the truth, now the biggest thing is accepting that fact. The only thing you can do is your best to put it in your past. Know you have to move on, move forward. You need to start a new beginning. Go to different places, try to do different things. Stay away from things that are going to trigger memories that are going to do nothing but hurt you. Try to make up your mind you're going to start a new life. You honestly do not know who is out there who just might come along & change your life in a way you never tho't possible. Try to think positive & do everything in your power to make a new life for yourself. Maybe a friend can be of help to you. Work on it, try as hard as you can. You don't know where your life is going to take you. You don't know who you just might meet. Give yourself a chance with an open mind. I truly wish you the best.

There are days I hate my job. Today seemed to be one of those days.

I guess it started with last night at parent teacher conferences. Right at the beginning T's mom comes and guilts trip for kicking T out of drama. Telling me that I took something from T that she loved, and that telling a 15 year old that I don't want to hear their excuses isn't the way to handle it. I just kept my mouth shut. I think that was the good thing, but it was hard. She wasn't going to do much if she was unwilling to work with others, others were afraid to work with her, she didn't know her part, and all she EVER gave me was excuses. It was never her fault (of course) and I guess I needed to fix everything. If drama was something she had loved that much then you'd think she'd have shown up with a good attitude, not missed a month, then had a month worth of excuses. Other parents were upset that my last grade was on the 21st. 7 days ago, true, but two days for a weekend, two days for easter break, and one day for a track meet. She's really only mad about maybe two days. These parents have instant access to their kids grades 24/7, I'm easily contacted through e-mail, and the year is over in three weeks. These are not new problems. How dense can you be.

So, I didn't get home until 8:45 last night. Passed out around 9:30 and was back at work by 7:20. Keeping in mind that I don't get off hours. I teach every hour of every day. I'm buried under lesson plans, grading, prom is this week, the drama kids have lost focus, teachers are losing jobs, and my mentor is in the hospital with cancer. I tried to go outside and run around a little bit, after ten minutes I was sweating, could hardly breath, and was dieing. I felt completely out of shape. I'm just not a happy camper. I've walked a lot of it out, but when one of our performances gets shoved back (that we had planned months in advance), when our props still aren't done, and when I still have to take tables and crap off the stage, I'm just so sick of this crap. These kids have no work ethic, are either so lazy they are worthless or so damn dumb I have to watch them do anything. I'm just sick of this whole proccess. I'm hoping break will give me back some of my passion. But I'm so tired, so very very tired. I can hardly move. I'm exhausted all the time.

Break can't come soon enough.
Prayers for Mrs. Berens in the hospital.
Wish me luck on the play and my sanity.
I hope other great teachers had hard days like this, sometimes I don't feel like I'll be that great.
Later.

Almost play time and almost the end of my second year as a teacher. There have been two things bothering me lately. The first bugged me all weekend. The realization that I'm not as strong, quick, or athletic as I was in high school. I don't think it's my age catching up to me, but the fact that I have little opportunity for practice and staying with it. I'm lucky to get 5 thousand steps a day and I rarely get the chance to play games. I'm tired to the bone, my body is actually drained and I feel like I could curl up and sleep for a million years. I want to lay down and not get up for a week. I have nightmares about this play and lose sleep over it. So, I think I have a reason to play poorly or to feel weak. The other thing, it came up today, is that I might lose a lot of my older kids for the play next year. My lead actress said she was going to take music instead of drama, and the sophomore who did it for the first time said the same thing. I'm already going to lose my leading senior who will win Actor of The Year for the second year in a row (the kids voted) and I'm not sure I could stand to lose my best actress and the people who have the experience. I don't think I can make them be in the play, but it wouldn't help my sanity for all of my older kids to leave and me to be stuck with people who have never been a part of the process and kids who will fight with me (she will go nameless for now). I'm just worried about everything, I want this year to end and I want to not have to worry for a few months. Things have just been bad. People are losing their jobs, people are leaving for China, and there is drama everywhere. Doesn't help that I'm still coming home to a lonely apartment pissing money away rent and taxes freaking kicked my ass. I'm worried about money, I can't seem to find a book to keep my attention, I'm lonely as hell, I'm worried about the play, the basketball team, next year, I just want my brain to shut down. On top of everything else, parent teacher conferences tomorrow, and Carnival is on Saturday.

Positives:
1. We got our t-shirts ordered.
2. The rehearsal went really well.
3. Tomorrow should be an easy day.
4. We get to go home next weekend.
5. Only 4 weeks for seniors, 5 for everyone else.

Everything is going to be great. Lets finish this year. You know as well as I do that the pay off for the play comes when we perform once they get that taste they will want it again. Everything is going to be great.

Later.

When do I get angry. When does it come to be time that I get mad and start yelling. Should I start yelling. Can I be a masterful coach without yelling. It seems like Coach Hauxwell avoids it, and I never saw Gary yell. He always said that your passion and excitement would tell the kids when to stop pushing you. Fuck. How can I become a great teacher, a great drama coach, and a great basketball coach. Am I being overly sensitive? It seems like at drama practice all they did was screw around, and it seems like I'm the one doing all the work again. I'm not willing to do this again. I'm going to make them do the work, and I guess I have to be willing to let it fail. But I'm not willing to do that. And what if I become the head basketball coach, will I let them screw around? Will I find it in me to push them, and how do I do that. I'm so worried about the future. I don't know what to do.

I guess I forgot to say that Coach Fye resigned on Tuesday. I believe I am up for the head coaching position. I would love to have it. I think I've earned it, and I think I can do it. Also, and I hate to say it, but if they go around my back and get someone else, then I might be an assistant coach, but I won't be back for a fourth year. And the only thing I'd do as the assistant is learn the game better for another year. I feel that would be a huge kick in the pants and a huge act of disloyalty. I've told the boss man that I am interested in the job, and I know I can give this team more and make them better. My only concern is if the kids will respond to me, and the way I see it they will because I am smart enough and I deserve it and they have worked with me for two years already. And, the way I see it, forget them if they decide to screw off and let it go. We can make something great, or they can piss it down their legs and its up to them. Either respond to me and face the fact that I am smart enough and good enough to lead them, or screw them and get the hell out of this place. You're doing a great job and the kids see that. You are being overly sensitive. The kids did everything you asked of them, you need to keep them going. You are going to be an awesome coach, and and an even better teacher. Have fun.

Later.

Our basketball season came to an end Friday night. We lost to the number two team in the district. We lost by 2 points, and we remain the number 4 team for the second year in a row. It was a single elimination so we didn't get the chance to play for third place, but I think we would have beat the snot out of Otis. Hi-plains got lucky, and I think we were the better team, they just had that one kid. It's too bad. It's amazing that just three years ago this team was a laughing stock of the district. Our coach has completely turned around this program and made them something to be feared and respected. I've been in a funk all weekend because of our loss. The biggest surprise however, came on the bus ride home. Not only did coach tell me she had seen me grow a lot this year and that I had done a better job than last year. But, the big thing was when she told me she may not return next year. That would be a huge loss for our program, and the kids would be devastated but I would love the opportunity to take over. It's a mixed blessing for me. I wanted to take over the girls with the assumption that she would stil be with the boys, but I would love to have the boys and to really give everything I could. Next year could be interesting on the court and in the classroom. With one of my toughest classes moving to one of my toughtest time periods, with my toughest class moving to the morning, and with one of my favorite classes leaving, next year could be interesting, and I'm just hoping to survive this year. I still have the play and CSAP is just around the corner. Great being give me strength and guidance to do what I need to do.

Later.

BBall Philosophy

Draft one I guess.

The game isn't about winning and losing, it's about learning teamwork and responsibility, it's about hard work and pushing yourself to do better and to be constantly improving. The key is to constantly improve. To get better every year, every game, every week, every practice. Something should constantly be improving.

As far as the girl's team goes, we will hit fundamentals hard. We will shoot 100 percent on lay-ups and will hit at least 80 percent on free throws. We will focus on rebounding. Our goal will be 75 percent of all rebounds every game. We will focus on performing the fundamentals. We will run a 2-3 defense, with an emphases on making teams take long shots and us getting the rebound.

Offensively we will run the pick and roll and the give and go. We will be patient and stick with trying to take lay-ups. Our goal will be to get at least 20 offensive rebounds a game, with put-pack lay-ups.

Our first several weeks will be about lay-ups, form shooting, and boxing out. With an emphases on getting in shape, and learning the basic defense. Offense will be simple and we should be ready and able to run fast break.

Before practice starts, it will be required that they make at least one hundred free throws while a coach, or another player watches. We will give awards weekly for players that put up double digit numbers, and will do "sticker" posters as I've seen them do at Hi-Plains. This will build pride in accomplishing the little things, and show a reason to improve and get better. We will have weekly challenges where people can challenge for starting positions. They will vote on Captains instead of it being just the seniors.

Until team reaches competitive levels we will forgo watching film and will not discuss win loss records, but will discuss personal accomplishments, improvments and successes during games. End of the year will be awards for MVP (based on stats), Most Improved (chosen by coaches), and Team Player (voted by players).

As far as coaching it will not be Head and Assistant, but instead will be Co-Coaches. Where they will have as much say as I do and should come up with practice ideas on there own. We will discuss the game on the bus ride after every game, we will discuss every practice after every practice, and the communication should be open and free.

Doubts

I'm doubting myself. Doubting my ability to make it through all the years of teaching I would like to. I'm doubting my ability to teach, to coach, to mentor, to lead. I'm doubting who I am and what I want from this world. I'm doubting the plan I've been sent here for and I'm doubting myself. I want more. I want better, but I don't know how to get it. I'm teaching seven classes a day while other teachers teach only five. I'm "coaching" basketball and I'm trying to put on a play. I just don't see myself as being successful in any of the areas. I feel weak as a coach, like I'm not doing everything I should be doing or like I'm not stepping up to do more of what I should be doing. I think I want more. I think I want to be a head coach and to have more power and responsibility, but I don't know if I could handle it. I don't know if I could make a team or if I would simply break a team. I want a time machine where I could go get all the stuff I need now. I want experience, I wish I had played basketball in high school. I guess that is the biggest regret I have, and there is nothing I can do about it. I wish I had gone out for drama when I was in high school, that is the second biggest regret I have. And the third biggest regret is that I am completely alone out here and that I wish I had someone to rid my loneliness. Three major regrets, and no chance to fix any of them. I wish I had a time machine to fix the past, or to see where I'll be in the future. I feel tired all the time. I feel like what I know is wrong is becoming more and more okay. I feel like the lines of black and white are graying and that I may do something to put my whole future in jeopardy. I don't know how to combat these feelings, I don't know how to make them go away. I don't know how being myself and just fighting the good fight have been enough to get me from point A to point B. I don't just want to get through the points anymore. I WANT MORE. I want love. I want experience. I want opportunity. I want something different . . . Then again, I doubt my wants too. I doubt the facts and I doubt the reality of my existence. I don't understand how someone who has always tried to do right, who has always tried to pick the light over the dark, how can nice guys really finish last. I always thought that I would win out in the end. I always thought that a good deed was it's own reward or that being nice would get you where you needed to be. I doubt the point of it all. Am I really where I need to be? Does anyone else ever have these doubts? Am I the only sucker in the world who was forced to feel like crap and wish that they had done everything backward. I have been so blessed with my life. How could I screw it all up? How could I make everything such a mess? Where, when, did I go wrong?

. . .

Am I done feeling sorry for myself? I think it's time to face the cold hard facts but to never lose hope. Here is the truth. There is no such thing as a time machine and wishing and hoping will get you no where. The past is the past, and if you want something in the future you have to work for it in the present. If that means you want to be a basketball coach and gain the experience you seek, then I suggest you continue to pay attention at practice, I suggest that you bring the idea up with Troy of being the head girls coach, and that you give yourself a chance. Nothing will ever be gained without risk.

There is no Love Potion. YOU must do something to gain something. I don't know what that is, but forgetting your morals and values is not an option, never has been, never will be. Never forget who you are. There can be no happiness without pain. If you want pleasure, you must risk pain. There is nothing else to it and I have no better option for you. Other than to say that sometimes you must look in the unlikeliest of places and that you may need to take what is available to you. Or, you may need patience, courage, and strength.

There is hope for you. There is a plan for you. You are in the right direction, you just don't know what road you are on. Never give up. Never lose faith that things will work out for you in the end. I refuse to believe that nice guys finish last. I just must believe that they need to have patience. Give yourself time. Dad didn't find mom until he was 30. Yes, he went through a divorce before then, but that is just needless heartache I hope you avoid. Give yourself time.

There is no such thing as a time machine. Stop having regrets and start trying to fix things.

Time. Patience.
Love will find a way.
Later future Nick, never forget who you are. And in times of sadness know that there will always be a tomorrow and you will make it to see the sun rise.

Semester one is over. Alright, not great. THe big part of semester two is the play. This was day two. Day one I felt I lectured the entire time and told them how hard it was going to be. Today I showed them a clip from a movie I would like to emulate, gave a quick description of the characters, and a run down of what needs to happen as far as crew goes. It feels like we are not going anywhere. It seems like the more I did, the more I need to do now and I feel like I am sitting on my ands waiting for something to happen. I feel like I need to constantly be awaiting for approval of stuff that should already have happened. I feel like we are getting no where. I dont feel like I could have given them less time to get ready for a rehearsal. I think next year we do rehearsals while they are still in speech, and other people coming in will have to schedule a rehearsal. Then we hit the ground running from day one. I say we start moveing stuff off the stage from day one too. If they don't like where I'm putting stuff then they can put it where they want it later, but this act is old. I think I need to not care what the admin. is saying and simply create a paper trail of me asking for what needs to happen and then me making happen what needs to happen. Like clearing the stage. And honestly, the same goes for the kids. The only way this is going to be fun and enjoyable is if we just plug away. Waiting on our hands is no good. I need to focus on the students like Jordyne who wants to be there and simply make sure I don't waste her time. Griffin and Cole can be bored, because they are immature morons that refuse to grow up. All of the Sophomores are getting old, and I need to simply ignore them until they are ready to work with me. Don't worry about it so much and just enjoy the ride. Get things going on Friday. Slow with simply you and Matt, but then Monday we fly through clearing the stage and we start making what needs to be made. We get there. I feel we are already on a better track and I feel more confident in what we will be capable of doing. Relax a little, and start plugging away tomorrow with auditions. These two days were tough, take them away next semester. YOU ARE DOING GREAT.

Later.