Doubts

I'm doubting myself. Doubting my ability to make it through all the years of teaching I would like to. I'm doubting my ability to teach, to coach, to mentor, to lead. I'm doubting who I am and what I want from this world. I'm doubting the plan I've been sent here for and I'm doubting myself. I want more. I want better, but I don't know how to get it. I'm teaching seven classes a day while other teachers teach only five. I'm "coaching" basketball and I'm trying to put on a play. I just don't see myself as being successful in any of the areas. I feel weak as a coach, like I'm not doing everything I should be doing or like I'm not stepping up to do more of what I should be doing. I think I want more. I think I want to be a head coach and to have more power and responsibility, but I don't know if I could handle it. I don't know if I could make a team or if I would simply break a team. I want a time machine where I could go get all the stuff I need now. I want experience, I wish I had played basketball in high school. I guess that is the biggest regret I have, and there is nothing I can do about it. I wish I had gone out for drama when I was in high school, that is the second biggest regret I have. And the third biggest regret is that I am completely alone out here and that I wish I had someone to rid my loneliness. Three major regrets, and no chance to fix any of them. I wish I had a time machine to fix the past, or to see where I'll be in the future. I feel tired all the time. I feel like what I know is wrong is becoming more and more okay. I feel like the lines of black and white are graying and that I may do something to put my whole future in jeopardy. I don't know how to combat these feelings, I don't know how to make them go away. I don't know how being myself and just fighting the good fight have been enough to get me from point A to point B. I don't just want to get through the points anymore. I WANT MORE. I want love. I want experience. I want opportunity. I want something different . . . Then again, I doubt my wants too. I doubt the facts and I doubt the reality of my existence. I don't understand how someone who has always tried to do right, who has always tried to pick the light over the dark, how can nice guys really finish last. I always thought that I would win out in the end. I always thought that a good deed was it's own reward or that being nice would get you where you needed to be. I doubt the point of it all. Am I really where I need to be? Does anyone else ever have these doubts? Am I the only sucker in the world who was forced to feel like crap and wish that they had done everything backward. I have been so blessed with my life. How could I screw it all up? How could I make everything such a mess? Where, when, did I go wrong?

. . .

Am I done feeling sorry for myself? I think it's time to face the cold hard facts but to never lose hope. Here is the truth. There is no such thing as a time machine and wishing and hoping will get you no where. The past is the past, and if you want something in the future you have to work for it in the present. If that means you want to be a basketball coach and gain the experience you seek, then I suggest you continue to pay attention at practice, I suggest that you bring the idea up with Troy of being the head girls coach, and that you give yourself a chance. Nothing will ever be gained without risk.

There is no Love Potion. YOU must do something to gain something. I don't know what that is, but forgetting your morals and values is not an option, never has been, never will be. Never forget who you are. There can be no happiness without pain. If you want pleasure, you must risk pain. There is nothing else to it and I have no better option for you. Other than to say that sometimes you must look in the unlikeliest of places and that you may need to take what is available to you. Or, you may need patience, courage, and strength.

There is hope for you. There is a plan for you. You are in the right direction, you just don't know what road you are on. Never give up. Never lose faith that things will work out for you in the end. I refuse to believe that nice guys finish last. I just must believe that they need to have patience. Give yourself time. Dad didn't find mom until he was 30. Yes, he went through a divorce before then, but that is just needless heartache I hope you avoid. Give yourself time.

There is no such thing as a time machine. Stop having regrets and start trying to fix things.

Time. Patience.
Love will find a way.
Later future Nick, never forget who you are. And in times of sadness know that there will always be a tomorrow and you will make it to see the sun rise.