Is there a name for what's going through my head. I cant seem to get beyond the girl that I hate. Am worried about Tuesday and the continuation of the working with students. Am unsure about setting up a resume. A little worried about being alone. Am a little afraid that the dead are about to rise to feast on the flesh of the living. Apprensive that I wont be able to keep going. I dont get it. Am I sad, mad, happy, content? How can I be completely miserable and completely happy at the same time? I cant seem to conect with my students. Cant seem to let my shied down and just be myself. I cant seem to be happy about being with people. And just want to curl up alone and be by myself for a good long period. I just dont get it. How can all this crap be in my head and still leave me feeling . . . . nothing. Completely alone, afraid, and angry. Yet smothered, excited, and over-joyed. HOw can all of this be wrapped up inside of one little old me. I feel like I;m going to explode. Or just float off. Like my fibers will just realease their hold of the earth and I'll drift off into space. Like I'll just loose myself in time, in place, in history, and just become a lost water mark on the corner of some worn out book in some guys basement. Like my life is rushing toward an aburpt end of sitting and doing the same thing for the rest of my days. Never to change, grow, or learn anything new. I feel like I'm losing myself in a torrent of days and hours and duties. As if the sun has lost it's warmth, and the moon lost it's light. I feel I need to stand up for myself and be heard, but cant seem to raise my voice. I feel afraid to take what is mine and be who I know I can be. As if I'm destined to sit in this one place, at this one time for the rest of days. As through one day i'm to be student teaching and 22, and the next be 50 and doing the next thing I decide to do. I just dont . . . feel right. I dont feel like a part of this world, a part of this race, I feel displaced. Like I missed my dimensional exit and lost my true calling in life. As if the one piece of my exsistance has been shadowed by the wayside of life and I cant recover it. I feel lost in a torrid of tomorrows, and plans, forgotten in lists and money. As if all the sums of my exsistance conclude in some shelves in my room. As if my very being has been questioned and I am to be not but a blasphamous nothing. Lost . . .lost. Alone, with never a chance. Forgotten, with no memory. Left behind in a race with only my two feet to carry me the distance. Is everyday to be struggle, a fight. A new reason to give up, with no reason to fight on? Is everyday only to bring a new tomorrow with only the rising and setting sun? Is there only the same horizen I've seen for years and years now. To be lost and forgotten by any and all who care to find and remember. Am I to not even register on the radar of tomorrown, of today, of yesterday? Must I progress, play and continue? Must I jump and beg, fight and strife. Must I live without, and be buried by excess. Can I ever be me again? Can I ever live and succeed? Must I, will I struggle, and run aground continually? Can I ever find my missing piece?

Student Teaching

Well, my second week of student teaching is coming to a close. I'm getting better, the classes are getting easier. I'm starting to enjoy it again, and feel like I know I can in the classroom. I'm coming out of the box I found myself in at the beginning of the school year. I'm not sure I find myself as close to the rest of the staff as I'd like, and I dont really know how to change that. If I join one side I alienate another. I just dont want to be a part of this ugliness surrounding the department. I need to make sure I keep Gary happy, but I cant be his friend, he's twice my age and in a different stage of life and with different interests. He's a great guy, I just dont know where I stand within this group of people. I'm trying to get along with my students first. Trying to get to know all of them and see them as people before I can start to be friends with the people in the department. Besides, there really arent any young male teachers hanging around, that's just not where we normally find ourselves. I'm coming along. I'm not as good as I know I can be, but I think I'm getting better. Week two down. I still need to set up a resume and get my name out to different schools, and I need to join a team or something and get involved outside of the classroom. I'm still hoping to teach for a year, and then join the Peace Corps. Gary seems to be saying good things about me, and the school is going to be firing teachers at the end of this year. Always scary when teachers are getting fired. But this might be a time for me to slip in and pick up a job. I dont know. How can they justify hiring me when they are firing time-tested teachers. Theres a lot of cleaning-house that needs to happen (supposedly), and i might be able to snag a one-year contract, but only time can tell.

To next week, and the weeks after.
Later all.

My first day

Today was my first day of student teaching. It was pretty freaking scary. I have three classes, all of the same subject. It's exciting. the other two classes are AP, and Gary and I will be team teaching those classes. the class that seems really tough will be the fifth period class. They will push me, but I dont think it'll be too much of a problem. I'm excited. Today seemed tough and I'm just zonked tonight. I dont know what exactly to say. I've complained about it for two years now, I wish teachers would just be honest with me, but I wish Gary would just give me a little more lip service. If he would just tell me I'm doing good or that I suck at life, then I think I would feel better. I'm at that middle ground where I just dont know what to feel about how I've done. I feel okay, I'm just not sure what exactly I'll be doing all semester. Today just intimidated me. I hope the rest of the semester starts to flow. RIght now I'm a little shakey and just dont know what to feel or say. I'll process a little bit and hopefully I can get back to you. Not a bad day, I dont hate myself and I think I'm ready for tomorrow. Today was just the first day in a lifetime of them, and I dont really know how to feel about it.

Wish me luck all. Later