Hey Everybody. Student teaching has been getting along a little better. I feel better, more confident, stronger, I'm still a little off kelter sometimes, but I feel so much better than I did even three weeks ago. Getting better, stonger, smarter. This damn seminar crap is killing me. That's what I should be working on now. I dont know what they want. They gave us examples, but come on, I cant really justify spending more than a couple of hours on this crap. Not when I have a ton of other planning to do, and other stuff to look at, and frankly, I just need to rewind after a day of work. It's only fair. You put in 10 hour days, why should I be forced to put in two hours on stuff that I dont see any benifit in? Whatever, I dont need to justify it, I just need to get it done. I dont know. Certainly this has got to get easier right? Just getting a lottle old. I'm ready for a break. CSAP this next week, then a three day week, a full week, then spring break. It's all good. This week should be pretty chill, poetry. BAD ASS. POETRY. Thats right. Later all, I'm going to bed. I'll finish this seminar crap tomorrow night, or ten minutes before the seminar, I dont really care. I kind of hope they challenge me on it, I kind of want to snap at this people. Wipe that fake-perky-shit-eating-grin off her dumb face. I'll give them a reason not to mess with me, jerk-offs. Things are looking better. As always, there are still just one or two more things that could make everything better. I dont know. For an English guy, I "dont know" quite a bit. Cut me some slack in the future ok. Cut me some slack, help me get better, and help me get what I need. Keep your fingers crossed.

Later all.

I dont know this week. I got in a little trouble with a couple of classes. I didn't do anything wrong, I just said a couple of stupid things and hurt some of the trust I'd built up. THe problem came when one of the students decided to tell Gary. It didnt help that he then told me that I should think about a new career. I wasn't professional enough, I wasn't in touch with my students, I wasn't building relationships, I wasn't "friendly." I think I'm being a little generous with what he told me. I dont think he was out-of-line, but he could have been a better mentor, give me solid things I need to work on. I didn't think he'd try to convince me to quit. It my have been a test of my resolve. He wasn't sure if I'd be back the next day. I went back, and by the end of the week he was amazed with how much I'd changed. I dont know. He ripped into me pretty hard, I was just about in tears with what he had to say. I dont know. Some of the students really seem to be on my side and seem really invested in what I'm trying, others seem to be looking for a reason to be against me.

What I'm really thinking about are the choices I made. Why did I decide to wear tennis-shoes? Why did I try to be better than I was? I dont know. I just wanted to be better, and I think I convinced myself I was doing something I wasn't. Instead of working hard and doing everything I could have been, I think I was coasting. Just . . . pleased with mediocrity and full of myself. I feel bad, but I think I've changed. I need to overcome and keep at it. Gary told me he was already impressed with how much I'd changed just this week. So I think I'm back on track. I dont know if I just needed someone to put their foot up my ass, or I needed a dose of reality. I think I'm better, not perfect, not great, maybe not even good, but better. Maybe I've just got my head back on straight.

I'm also thinking about the student-teacher dynamics. You see, I see both sides of it. I'm a teacher and a student. I'm amazed at how different this side of the relationship is. I've been a student for 17 years. I never had a "relationship" with my teachers, I never complained about what we were doing, I never whined about the outside world. I'll admit I had it easy. A supportive family, no need to worry about food or shelter, but the premise still remains. I was never real close to a teacher. I'm just amazed. Gary tells me about the carrot and the stick, but I'm not sure if I've yet to see my carrot. I dont see him giving me the positive reinforcment he says I need to give my kids. I just dont know. I'm stuck in the middle of the situation. The whole thing is just freaking goofy. I want to be a twenty-year veteran, but I dont want to put in the twenty years. I dont know how else to say it. Things got . . . easier this week. I think things are back to looking up. I dont know. This week was goofy. Thank god I can change, thank god I'm allowed to change.

Change is weird. I just felt like I needed to say some crap that no one else could ever understand. This week was weird. It's been on my mind, and I'm a little worried about what will happen this next week. Keep your fingers crossed for me. I can do this. I may not be a teacher, I can accept that, but I owe it to myself to give it everything I have and to see this to the end. I owe it to myself to try as hard as I can to do what I need to do and get through this. If they pull me, fine. If I fail, fine. If I can't get hired, fine. I at least owe it to myself to do everything I can and see where this takes me.

Later all.

I'm just tired. I cant tell if it's the crap associated with teaching or something else. It's been a long time. Been teaching. Unfortunetly there seems to be all this other crap that seems to be following me around. I got a guy breathing down my neck and making me look bad everyday, I got students that dont seem to want to learn, I got a huge job search I dont seem to have time for, and i got two old woman with their heads so far up their asses the stuff they give us is straight from their colons. Whatever, it's getting easier to actually do it, but I dont feel like I'm getting any better. I dont feel like I'm doing the good I want to be doing. It doesn't help that I feel completely alone in the world right now. My parents are great, I love them to death, but they just arent what I need at this point in me life. Whatever, just tired and ready. I dont understand why I have to have three levels of observation while my guy is able to write his own ticket. It's just hard and I'm tired. Hopefully things are looking up. I just wish I could get a job already and get that huge monkey off my back, that would make things so much easier.

The grass is always greener . . .

Later everybody.