I dont know this week. I got in a little trouble with a couple of classes. I didn't do anything wrong, I just said a couple of stupid things and hurt some of the trust I'd built up. THe problem came when one of the students decided to tell Gary. It didnt help that he then told me that I should think about a new career. I wasn't professional enough, I wasn't in touch with my students, I wasn't building relationships, I wasn't "friendly." I think I'm being a little generous with what he told me. I dont think he was out-of-line, but he could have been a better mentor, give me solid things I need to work on. I didn't think he'd try to convince me to quit. It my have been a test of my resolve. He wasn't sure if I'd be back the next day. I went back, and by the end of the week he was amazed with how much I'd changed. I dont know. He ripped into me pretty hard, I was just about in tears with what he had to say. I dont know. Some of the students really seem to be on my side and seem really invested in what I'm trying, others seem to be looking for a reason to be against me.

What I'm really thinking about are the choices I made. Why did I decide to wear tennis-shoes? Why did I try to be better than I was? I dont know. I just wanted to be better, and I think I convinced myself I was doing something I wasn't. Instead of working hard and doing everything I could have been, I think I was coasting. Just . . . pleased with mediocrity and full of myself. I feel bad, but I think I've changed. I need to overcome and keep at it. Gary told me he was already impressed with how much I'd changed just this week. So I think I'm back on track. I dont know if I just needed someone to put their foot up my ass, or I needed a dose of reality. I think I'm better, not perfect, not great, maybe not even good, but better. Maybe I've just got my head back on straight.

I'm also thinking about the student-teacher dynamics. You see, I see both sides of it. I'm a teacher and a student. I'm amazed at how different this side of the relationship is. I've been a student for 17 years. I never had a "relationship" with my teachers, I never complained about what we were doing, I never whined about the outside world. I'll admit I had it easy. A supportive family, no need to worry about food or shelter, but the premise still remains. I was never real close to a teacher. I'm just amazed. Gary tells me about the carrot and the stick, but I'm not sure if I've yet to see my carrot. I dont see him giving me the positive reinforcment he says I need to give my kids. I just dont know. I'm stuck in the middle of the situation. The whole thing is just freaking goofy. I want to be a twenty-year veteran, but I dont want to put in the twenty years. I dont know how else to say it. Things got . . . easier this week. I think things are back to looking up. I dont know. This week was goofy. Thank god I can change, thank god I'm allowed to change.

Change is weird. I just felt like I needed to say some crap that no one else could ever understand. This week was weird. It's been on my mind, and I'm a little worried about what will happen this next week. Keep your fingers crossed for me. I can do this. I may not be a teacher, I can accept that, but I owe it to myself to give it everything I have and to see this to the end. I owe it to myself to try as hard as I can to do what I need to do and get through this. If they pull me, fine. If I fail, fine. If I can't get hired, fine. I at least owe it to myself to do everything I can and see where this takes me.

Later all.