Everlasting Love

When mine soft heart beats, I fall for your love.
Your eyes, big and brown, draws us closer to
on another. So that that you and your love
come closer to me. Eyes of yours like the dew
glisten in the morning rays makes me shake.
My undying compassion makes me cry.
Leave me an' my poor little heart will quake
So much so that thy will want to go die.
Thy loves you and us must never apart.
Always with each other through forever
When we got shot by one of Cupid's dart
Without your love away thy will wither
With the words of worship you pierced my chest.
My undying love will never be put to rest.

Bethune, Sophomore boys 2009

Later

Sick, but doing good. Small head cold. Want Christmas break. Kind of angry with powers that be. Seem to get little help or feedback, yet will be judged and could lose job. Ready for break. Head throbbing, basketball feel unused, but kids all seem to be getting along with me. Keep working hard. Fight cold. Remember: you are a first year teacher, you cant do anything right. Be friends with the kids and constantly work o improve and get better. Use your personality for now and let the classroom stuff come. You cant expect yourself to be perfect right away. You will be great as long as you can keep happy thoughts, keep patience, and keep working hard. Just keep moving. One foot in front of the other. Always get better. Good things are coming your way.

Later.

Almost break time. Keep fingers crossed. Good outweighs bad 8/10 times. Just keep working hard for kids.

Later

Ups and downs, Ups and Downs. Everday I just have to try to make the good out weigh the bad. One class goes wrong, I just have to make sure two go well. It's been off and on. Off and On. Today, the bad out weighed the good. But I just have to come back tomorrow. Keep working at it, comeback the next day and make it better than the last. Get better everyday in every way. Make the good out weigh the bad, work harder, work harder, make the good better. Make the good out weigh the bad and constantly get better. YOU ARE DOING AWESOME.

Later

quiz not good. today new day. need get back to happy mode.

wish luck
later

Week 5. I'm starting to feel a little paranoid for some reason. This is the greatest job ever. I'm having so much fun. I look forward to coming to work on Sundays.

Wish me luck.
Later all.

Today was tough. The lesson didn't go quite like I would have liked. The students just didn't seem to get into it like I would have liked them to. I'm cutting tomorrow's planning and gettting to it. I'm sick of doing nothing and am ready to have them get to work. Access time is a complete and total joke, but to be completely honest. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing with them. I have 7th through 12th grade in this class. If I try to teach any of them I'm going to lose half the audience. I have to do something. Today was like a prison riot, it won't be like that again.

The students all said they liked today's lesson. This is me thinking it's negative. I'm not completely sure how it went. I'm iffy about it and would probably like to do the whole thing over again. I know I'm not wasting another day. Yesterday I thought went well. Today, I think I wasted my students' time, and I am trying very hard not to do that. It's all good, I just have to change the way Access is going, and I need to get these kids working on English. Let them see my subject and fall in love with it. They've already fallen in love with me.

My 7th graders are going to put me in the grave. I need structure, organization, routine, and I need to focus them, FAST. Or I'm going to snap at them and lose it.

Wish me luck.
Later.

Adults are on my last nerve. I'm ready for my students to show up because 18 teachers together just drive each other nuts.

I've been here for about a month now. My room is all set-up. And I have Back-to-School night tonight. Excitement, terror, nerves, frustration, pick one and tack it on the board.

This place is different from anything else I've ever been apart of. The people are all nice, but they all know one another. I feel like since I have no ties here I'm out of the loop. Football practice started today, but I guess I'm not coaching football. I wasn't told or invited or anything. So I guess they don't want my help. And this isn't here for me to complain and get all down on my side. It's just frustrating. I'm trying to be a good coworker, but I feel at a disadvantage. I don't know if I should be professional and serious or goofy and crazy. I don't know if I can be goofy and crazy. I don't know if I should be. I think they are going to let me help with basketball, so that should be good. And this will help make sure that as a first year I'm not overwhelmed. I don't know.

I think I'm paranoid. I think the teacher in my position left suddenly and they didn't want to have to hire a new English teacher. I'm not sure they really want me here sometimes. I don't feel like I belong sometimes.

That's stupid. Here's how it is, reality check genius. First of all, you worked hard to get a job. You know how hard it was, you know the huge pool of candidates that were out there. Even if they didn't want a new guy, they Had to have one. There was a huge pool out there, you competed against the pool and swam as hard as you could. They hired you because they liked you and wanted you to be a part of the team. Get serious, these people are too busy to sit around and regret hiring you. They want you here, they like you. You need to relax.

Be the you you know you want to be. What do you have to loose? Honestly, you don't have a family depending on you. You don't have to completely support yourself just yet. You're just starting out, and frankly you've done a great job. Unless, after 22 years, you've suddenly turned into a liar and a jerk who really doesn't care about students nor English. I don't think so, dude. You just need to relax, be the you you want to be and let things happen. For cryin' out loud, you haven't fought anyone, you didn't ask when practice was, and Troy told you that there were a lot of people wanting to help out.

RELAX. Be yourself, chill. You worked your butt off to get where you are. Nobody gave you a hand, Nobody gave you a handout, Nobody did you any favors. Just relax, be yourself and keep chipping with these people. Once you go through something together, you will have ties in Burlington.

RELAX. You can do this. You were trained for this. You are capable and ready. Don't simply focus on the negative, take what it offers, and stay in the positive. YOU'RE OKAY.

I found a new(ish) show I like to watch. Avatar: The Last Airbender I went out and bought, like, the first two seasons. I found the writing witty and smart. I find the drawing gorgeous, the story intriguing, the characters loveable, and I really want to know what is going to happen to Ang, Sokka, and Kitara.

I started reading Conan and The Sorcerer. Everyone was impressed by the number of books I read this summer (close to 30 now) and hope I can get this one done in the first week of school.

Even if I don't get to do any coaching, I'll get to know the students in their work. They will love me because I am real, because I am every part of the spectrum. I not a jock, nor a nerd, nor a pep. I'm real, and they will respond and see that. I just need to show them that I care about them. If I can show them that in the first three days, then maybe I can earn their trust and we can have a good year.

YOU'RE OKAY.
Do your best.
The only failure is giving up.
Be yourself.
You Will Be Awesome.

Later.

I move in a week. There's a bad movie on TV, Mimic, I think. I haven't packed anything. I have done pretty much nothing. I've done some thinking about how my class this next year is going to be run, but not much. Done some planning and thinking, so I'm not going in ass-backwards, I've just been preoccupied lately. I dont really know how to describe it.

I've been staying in touch with a friend from college. I dont have many friends, in fact, I wouldn't say I had any friends, except maybe this girl. But for some reason I feel bad when I talk to her. I feel forced into going up and seeing her. I feel like I'm doing things I dont want to do or that I shouldn't be doing. Like when Steve and Bobby came back into my life for a brief time. I enjoyed going out with them, but I hated having to go out with them. I hated going out with them, I hated doing things, I hate talking on the phone, I hate feeling forced into doing things that for Christ's sake I dont want to do. But here's the kicker. Nobodies forcing me to go a god damn thing. I dont know what the problem is. I'm afraid to turn on my phone because I dont want to drive for an hour and a half to see her. I dont know. I dont really want to see her. That's a lie, yes I do. Why's it got to be so damn hard.

Let me lay it on the line for you. I'm single. I'm really still getting over the most heart breaking experience I've ever been through. I've lost pretty much any and all hope in the pantheon called "friendship," quite honestly I'm not sure such a thing exists. I'm a lonely, lonely human being, but I'm totally terrified to go out and hang with people. On top of that, I'm am so sick of my family I cant believe it. My dad's turned into a jellyfish, no spine at all, and yet wants to continually complain about things that he isn't going to change. He has no problem riding my ass and getting in my face, even though my sister does even less than I do. He gets mad at me for not throwing something away, that she broke. All of a sudden it's my fault. He wont stand up to anyone, he wont let me do things my way, he argues in a whiny way where you just give in or he becomes all bitchy. He tells me to do whatever I want, then gets all mad when I haven't read his mind and done what he wanted to. My mom is still bitching at me about my new Ipod Touch. A graduation gift, 3 months ago, and she continues to bitch at me about how I didnt do my research and should have just gotten an Iphone. Even though I dont want the phone I have. She's harassing me about what happens when I decide to move out of the apartment I'm moving into and want to move into somplace bigger, how am I going to move all my stuff. I haven't even made the first move yet and she's already bugging the crap out of me about a second move sometime in the future. I swear to god. And my sister. Oh god I'm at my wits end with that girl. She's asking for a punch to the throat. She complains that she cant sleep, she has bad dreams, theres a huge backstory that I'm not even supposed to know about, so she stays up until 4 in the morning. Oh, but she can sleep well enough to stay in bed until 2 in the afternoon. She does absolutely nothing. I've done little, I'll admit it, but compared to her I'm freaking Hercules. She complains and whines about some loser guy, yet she just keeps crawling back to these same guys, she is a complete and total moron, and whenever I try to make her feel better, I get in trouble. I'm am so done with these people. I want absolutely nothing to do with them. They wont even let me move unless they say when and how, it's ridiculous. And here's the kicker ladies and gentlemen, the reason I cant get out from under their thumbs. They have everything. Every dime I have has gone into these bank accounts that I cant touch. There names are on all of them and I have nothing. Some of these accounts are totally freaking secret. I stuff I dont even know where it is. I dont have a cent to my name. And to top it all off. The cherry on the whole enchilada. They all hate each other. My mom's constantly pissed at my sister, my dad wont stand up to my sister, my sister's a complete and total bitch, my dad and my mom will annoy the hell out of one another, they cant stand spending time together. My dads a lazy bum, and my moms a know-nothing who cant keep her mouth shut for ten minutes without arguing about some dumbass thing. Then there's my grandma and aunt who apparently have to be involved in ever faucet of our life. I'm sick of them, I cant even imagine what my dad goes through. So, I have to keep them all in their seperate corners and not killing one another. It may sound pretentious and stupid, but I bascally hold my family together. I dont think they would still be together if I wasn't able to seperate them out one from the others and give them what they need from me. A friend/confidant for my dad. A goofball with a positive attitude for my sister. A gossiper and complainer-too for my mom. I play a specific role for eac of them, and when I'm not here to play the role, they all get mad at one another. Then theres the fact that the house has been flooding. Without me they wouldnt be able to clear all the water out of th windowsills. Instead of trying to fix it or make it better. My dad complains and shoots down ideas. Whatever man, I dont care if you dont fix it, then stop complaining about it. Or, fix it, then you can complain about it. But frankly, you cant have your cake and eat it too. Get off your ass and do something about it. He wasn't even willing to do anything for our dog on the 4th. The guy next door has a nuclear warhead and he just sits there and bitches about it. Shit or get off the pot man. My sister needs to grow a pair, I'm sick of her. I've been through harder shit than she's going through. I'm sorry, at least she had a chance to be happy and be with someone she liked,, I got my heart ripped out and the damn thing shown to me before she laughed in my face and kicked me in the nuts. She's got nothing on that, she's just being a little bitch. And my mom needs to get off my back. I swear to god if she makes one more back handed comment about my Ipod I'm going to snap.

At least I was able to vent a little here. Thanks Internet Man for listening. The Ipod touch is freaking awesome. Only seven more days and I'm out of here.

Go read The Road by Cormac McCarthy, it was awesome. I'm going to see that movie too

Wish me luck
Wish me love
Wish me guidance

Later all.

Absolutely Nothing

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it 'Chops'
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed alot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it.

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it 'Autumn'
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed alot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it 'Innocence: A Question'
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at 3am he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly.

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it 'Absolutely Nothing'
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen.

- by Osoanon Nimuss

I found this in the book The Perks of Being a Wallflower a few years ago. It's worth a read.

Later.

I've been through three different living places. House was a dumb, second place was sweet, I took it, but it was large and pricey. The lady then told me about this other place. Single bedroom for two hundred bucks less. I'll save some money and be in a place more my size. I lose my den, but whatever. I put together a website for my classes. I'm excited to try it out, but I'm not sure how well it will work, it just doesn't do all the things I would have liked it to do. But it'll be good for a first try, and it might impress my new boss. These people are so nice.

I'm thinking right now about day one. What do I need to do to get these kids on my side. I have a few ideas and am mulling some stuff over. Ideas about talking about pride and respect. But these are more like last day talks, not first day. I just need to find the right thing and start talking about it. I got my "curriculum" stuff, CLTs. Critical Learning Targets that my 7th and 8th graders must know how to do before they can move onto the next level. The other grades look like they are totally up to me.

I got some materials from the school the other day. Something like 15-20 books. I've already read a few of them and am about to finish another, I just get hot and cold with these things. I cant just sit there and read for three days solid, I need to do other things. I went out and rented Ghostbusters the Videogame yesterday. It was a blast. I finished it today, it was so cooooool. I'm a long time Ghostbusters fan. Movies, the old cartoon show, I have some of the old toys. I just love the stories, the characters, and the idea. It's always kind of fascinated me. And I love Slimer. I'm also a big X-Men, TMNT, and Thundercats fan. Those are just a few of my nerdy leanings.

Well, I'm out of stuff to say. Gotta go watch the Rockies end this game against the Dodgers. Up 3-0 one out left in the top of the ninth. All they need is three outs.

I move the 15th of July.

Later.

Visualize, actualize.

Out number three, lets go Street.

:-)

Bye.

Visit Bethune English

I got a JOB!!!

Hey all. I got hired. It's been a while, and a little has gone on since then. The biggest and most important piece of news is my fancy new job. GO BOBCATS! 7-12 in Bethune, CO. I get to stay in state, I get to try out the little town thing. I get the little classes, I get to be a part of something, and I get to work and be productive. WOOWHO. I am uper thrilled.I'll be quite honest. I had just nailed an interview, had fallen in love with this other school in The Springs. They rejected me, the old "lack of experience" thing. The principal was super nice about and all apologetic and sad and all. I had nothing. I wasn't getting interview calls, I couldn't find open positions to apply for, I was about to give up. I was looking into publishing jobs, into jobs that would get me a steady pay check. I signed up for Monster.com and found a teaching position. I shot them a message, went out there and it was gorgeous. It's so open and green and beautiful. The people were so nice, I had a good interview, and they were excited to have someone young and full of energy. I was ecstatic. Now I'm looking for a house, got one that sounds beautiful, and if it's still available come Wed. I'm scooping that baby up. It's a little pricey, but I've crunched the numbers, I can afford it. I might get to do everything down there. Coach multiple sports, teach every grade level, be a part of a school and not just a cog in the machine. This is going to be awesome.

Man, what else. Went out with some friends the other night. I had to drive an hour and a half to get up there, that was a pain, but it was fun. We went over to one of her friend's house and played a little board game thing. Then we went back to her place and got into a great debate about education. She and I argued that our school's needed more resources and that we need to try and reach every student and that they all deserve the same opportunities. This other guy argued that resources cripple the great, and that we need to focus on the students that can actually be helped and excel.

I'd equate his argument to Social Darwinism, and without saying it overtly, it can also be racist if you look at the "students that deserve to be left behind" since basically those would be inner city schools and kids that lack the basic things us "lucky" people tend to have. And I would consider us only lucky. Lucky that we were born fully functional, lucky that we were born into our social situation. It comes down to basic luck, unless you believe in some kind of caste and reincarnation system. And we did bring that up in our argument. And if you do, please don't let me step on your toes. It was a good debate. The problem we had was that our education system is failing. It's hard to debate for something that in this country is seen as a joke. When Kobe Bryant, a rapist who's only contribution to this society is so that 20 million idiot fans can get drunk and believe that they are a part of something bigger than themselves is able to make 20 billion dollars peddling crappy shoes and being a pretty boy on the court. Now, I love basketball and I was rooting for the Birdman and Carmello to kick some Gasol and Kobe ass. I went to a game and loved it (Graduation gift), so I'm not going to bash the game or anything, but our pay scale and our priorities as a society and totally skewed when they get payed billions and a teacher is worried about being able to rent a house.

It's hard to say we should give money to something that is failing and that many people don't have fond memories. But if we look at our bursting prisons, our homeless, our druggies, all of these things can be solved with a stronger educational system.

Sigh, but what do I know.

The sad part was, the guy that was for Social Darwinism was an actor. And the only society in the history of the world that would have ever considered an actor worth anything is our own. He's the first kind that would have been dropped in his educational system. The world has no need for more prima-dona actors. Of course, you cant say that in a true debate. Besides which, I like to see both sides of an argument. Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one, and like everyone one else in this near-sighted world, I'm not giving mine up for his. Opinion that is, not the other thing.

The students that I know I wasn't able to help are like weights on my stomach. I would give anything to be able to go back and try one more time to reach them and connect and help them. The student destined for the marines, the student destined to diesel school. Look, if that's what you love, then dont let dumb old me get in the way, but it should be a passion not a fall back. I hate seeing the people that I worked at Wal-Mart with still working there. It sucks. Those are the nicest people in the world and they are stuck there for whatever reason. It is our job to try to reach every student. In reality, no I dont see us ever reaching every student every time, but I see it as an affront to everything if we dont try.

I just think of the old story of the boy on the beach as the tide had left and he's tossing star fish back into the water. A man comes up and asks the boy what he is doing. The water has left, these starfish will die if I dont throw them back into the water says the boy. The man says, you cant possibly throw them all back in, what does it matter. The boy picks up a starfish and holds it up, it matter's to this one he says as he tosses it back into the water.

We may not be able to reach every student, but the one's we do will make all the difference. We need to try to reach every student, and when our country is done collapsing maybe it'll pull it's head out, and will get this educational thing straightened out. Because there is no fathomable reason why Tom Cruise is plastered all of the damn place, but Gary Cordray is a nobody. I'll tell you what, Tom Cruise has never ever, in his entire life, done half of what Gary does on a single day. And it's pathetic.

For some reason I feel really guilty about something. Guilty or nervous or scared or something. I'm the most conscientious person in the world, but I just dont know what has me feeling so bad. I haven't done anything wrong. I dont know what it is.

Kat didn't spend any time with me. I guess things are awkward between us, but whatever, I'll be surprised if I ever see her again. I was surprised to see her this time. It stinks, but whatever. Besides, I heard some things about her that I'm just not that impressed with. I dont know what kind of person she is, I just wish I could help her.

I'm still lonely, but I feel better. Knowing I'm moving a million miles away, I really cant have anything like that holding me back. I'll miss my family, but I need to get away from them, I've had just about enough of them, but whatever. I love them to death.

I'm opening a new chapter in my life. I dont know what is going to happen, but I can make good things happen. I need to start this chapter right.

Later all.
Make good things happen.

AHHHHH

Somebody please hire me.

wish me luck

later

Didn't get the job I wanted. Left the student teaching gig. Got an interview on Tuesday. Not much else, been constantly filling out job applications. Like three or four a day of these twenty pages things that all ask the same questions. Getting frustrated with the whole thing. Hung out with some friends, fell into old habits, got screwed over that. Whatever, not necessarily a happy camper right now. How can you give me a ration of shit about how you are two taken girls and cant possibly think about another guy, then in the same breath tell me you are hanging out with these two other guys? That she is married and has a full plate, but she is totally willing to go screw the brains out of some loser, but it's just sex. Totally willing to go play strip poker with these "old guys," totally willing to make these other guys pay for your drinks, but I'm wickedly funny and smart and a genuinely good guy. Why do I do this to myself? I'm such a fucking moron. Where are all the good woman at, why do I have to get stuck with these tramps? Worst of all, why do I have to like these tramps? I always hoped that good guys wouldn't finish last, but any more it looks like that old mantra is getting truer and truer. I'm such a nice guy, I get to go home by myself and be alone. I'm so funny, I give you a joke to tell the next guy you meet. I'm so smart, I get to sit at home and wish that I had done everything differently. What am I doing wrong? Why do I always end up associating with these losers? I swear I gravitate towards weakness. I'm just trying to be a good guy. A good friend, a good man, and I get to sit at home alone and lonely. Explain that one to me old mighty Internet Man.

I cant be a jerk. I cant be the asshole. It's not in mean to treat people like that. I dont mean to be whiny and annoying, I'm just trying to catch a break and find someone who will feel about me the same why I'll feel about them. Is it my curse to see the goodness in everyone and to love them for their goodness? I'd give anything for a different path, what am I supposed to do? Whatever, just another set of "friends" that will soon be a part of my past. I'll never see them again and wont ever have to deal with their particular bullshit. I just need to find another set of people who's bullshit I can be a part of, whatever. I've done it before, I've done it before. History repeats itself, and I'm doomed to be the dumbass that decides to be a "nice guy" and finishes last.

Wish me luck with the interview.
Wish me luck with people.
Later all.
Compete.

No chance being hired where I am. Made some calls and got some interest with a little school district way south and way east, but I'd take just about anything. I talked to him on Wednesday, screwed everything up, then have harassed the front office since then. I called him, he called me back and told me to call him between 1 and 4. Well, I had class, got to grading, and had to help distribute Yearbooks, of course. I couldn't call back before 3:30. Last minute, and he wasn't there. That was disappointing. Since then, I left two messages on Thursday, another message today (Friday), and hung up on voicemail another 4 times. The next step will be driving down there. That may happen here in the next couple of weeks, not looking forward to that. It would be different if we had an appointment and I knew he would be there and we could talk, but to just show up I don't know. Especially since it's a three hour drive, and I don't even know if I have a shot at the job. Maybe Tuesday, that looks like the best day. Thursday is the seniors last day, I have to be there for that. Wednesday wouldn't be bad, but that would make it one long ass day (Nuggets baby). Monday have to go in to help with some grading stuff. Of course, now is when everything comes to a head, figures. I'm hoping to call some more on Monday, and see where that gets me. My parents just keep reminding me to keep my hopes up. They say we're going to pull out of this economy real soon, and that I haven't even been out of work for a year, so I cant be disheartened just yet. I just wish I could get somebody to talk to me. Soon enough I guess. You just have to ride the tide of time and see where things go.

We've been writing creatively in the AP classes, so in the next few weeks I'll be posting some of my own creative writing, just to prepare all my many fans.

Good luck with all of your endeavors.
Later all.

It's over.

16 weeks of unpaid labor, 8 observations, 6 seminars, 3 senior classes, 2 junior classes, 210 essays, countless hours of lost sleep and worry. I'm officially done with student teaching. My last day was the first. I got through my final meeting, got a "B" in the "class" and am observing teachers. I dont like the "B," I dont entierly get it. I worked hard, never missed a day, busted my hump, improved, figured out my strengths and weaknesses, I dont see how it could have been a better semester. Whatever, it's just a pain in the ass. The grade doesn't matter, it's all about how much you learn, and I learned more about myself in the past 16 weeks then I ever cared to know. I can do better. I will do so much different my first time in a classroom. If everything isn't immedietly scraped, then it'll go through a complete makeover. I'm thinking about my teams and my coaching, I got along great with those kids. I established myself as a leader and a friend and we had a great time playing. I need to bring more of that into my classroom. I have some ideas . . .

I dont, however, have a job. That sucks, but I'll do what I have to I guess.

In other, fantastic, news my dad got Nuggets' Playoff Tickets. Game 5 baby. It is so freaking awesome. We followed the team all year, he for the past twenty years, me for as long as I can remember. The last game I really remember going to the Nuggets played the Lakers and lost to Shaq. So it's been forever since we got to go to a game. This is going to be awesome. Colorado just seems full of fair weather fans, better than the asshole fans of Boston and New York, but it'd be nice if this state had any loyalty to any team other than the Broncos.

I'm, of course, a Steeler fan. The Broncos anger me at every corner. Drafting No-Show, whatever. We fire one offensive guy to hire another offensive guy. Whatever. I hated Shanahan from day one, the only thing he could kind of do competently was the offense. He knew how to build an O-line. We can put any idiot back there and they'd run for a thousand yards. This guy better run for two. We needed Defence, specifically Primary, a big ol' middle linebacker. Nope, a safety. Fighting the side effects of piss poor QB pressure instead of actually pressuring the QB.

GO STEELERS!!!!!!!!!!

I'm going to stay in school. Observe as many different teachers as I can. Hopefully, that'll show the powers that be that I'm dedicated and care and they will give me a shot if the opportunity arises.

Still hoping (and looking obviously) for a job.
Need to complain to CSU.
Need to enjoy my last weeks as a student.

Later all.

Have heard nothing as far as jobs go. Looks like nothing . . . Shit I dont know what to do. Today was interesting with the AP classes. 1st period was very productive, had a solid discussion, connected the ideas to this world, it just seemed like an okay day and I wasnt completely satisfied, so I changed things up for 6th period. They had a fun class, we got to all the topics I wanted to get through, and we did a lot. I wish it would have been more productive, but it was fun. Both classes were good in their own ways, but I wish I could have combined the two. It was a start, the beginning of the next phase of teaching. I tried some stuff that didn't quite work all the way, but I still felt it was a good day. The AP kids however may have thought differently. Most of them had fun, but then it wasn't productive enough. I didnt challenge them enough. Fuck I dont know. Then some girl comes in and starts going on about how this other student teacher is so amazing. That pissed me off pretty good. I dont know. FUCK. I wish I was better. I dont know how much of it is my sucking and how much of it is Cordray being the best teacher in the school. Damn, whatever. Just improve, dont compare yourself to others. I'm not worried about the others, I'm worried about ME, get me good, get me going, I'll be an okay teacher, then I'll be a great teacher, then I'll be the best teacher, then I'll be Mr. Codray, then I'll be even better. One step at a time. This is a 20 year process, this is a career, not something you pick up in training like Wal-Mart. This is a career. You're doing just fine, just keep working at it.

Fingers crossed.
Wish me luck.
Later all.

Job Fair

Job Fair today. I had 8 interviews in 4 hours. I dont interview well, I get too nervous and excited, and I just kind of keep talking. I think my resume is pretty impressive, lots of experience mixed with some solid education. I got a few nibbles, a few people that might be interested. I looked at little, last ditch, no-where-villes. I dont know. I just keep thinking over the stupid things I said. Lots of the schools said I had done a good job and had done well with the interview. Like I said, I think three or four maybe interested. One school I am definitely out of. We ended the interview early and she was not pleased. Basically, she asked if I was willing to teach to the CSAP, the standardized test. While I do believe accountability for teachers is important, I dont believe that's where our focus in education should be. Lots of people were actually interested in my ability to coach. Several schools wrote that down. I also interviewed with a junior high only situation. Again, probably not the best candidate for the position, but I think I could do it, I enjoy the age group, I just dont enjoy the information we have to work with. Very simplistic and basic ideas. This was also a school for kids that needed help in their reading. I just dont have that kind of training. Still, some schools may give me a call back. I dont know.

I'm just questioning everything right now. Of course I had to deal with the people I didnt want to deal with. I just sw her from a far, but "these feelings dont go away, they're turning my sideways." Doesn't make things a whole lot easier. I also got to see some old friends, so it wasnt all bad. I'll tell you what though, I was on today. Telling jokes and talking to people. I was on top of my game today. Maybe there is that teacher side in me.

I'm still hoping for a teaching position. If one of those schools would call me up, I'd gladly take the position and be hapy for it. I'd struggle through my first years, get my feet under me, and become a great teacher. I'm just questioning things right now, and of course, one of those questions is my future. Am I ready to look beyond education and simply stick with the English side of things? Am I ready to go crazy and just sign with the Peace Corps? I just dont know. If I had a map of where I'm supposed to go, things would be way easier. Right now I'm just going with the flow. When something happens, hopefully I'll be able to tell.

Later all.

Gary's career

Student teaching is almost at an end. This will be week 14 of the 16 week Odyssey. I'll be teaching AP starting next week, and am planning to stay in at least another week after the 16. Tomorrow will be interesting. All honesty, I'm not completely prepared. I forgot my stuff at school and couldnt get back to get it. We're teaching the kids critical reading skills and I have the material and have looked at it, I would just like the opportunity to acquaint myself a little bit more. All should be well. If nothing else, I teach it to 2nd period first and they are the best class of the day. I have had some problems, sure, and am going through some crappy stuff. I get it, Gary's a better teacher than me. Wow, who'd of thought. It just gets old. I dont know, whatever. I'm going to be trying something this week. Pacing a class, going from one thing to the next, no down time, just moving continuously. That's the next thing I'll have to look at. The biggest question I have is how I'll act and set-up for the first day when I have my own room. How do I build my credibility, get the kids invested in the class, start to show I have their best interests in mind, and start setting up my expectations of a class. What amazes me is the amount of time everything takes. Gary says he didnt think he'd become a teacher until his third year, and didn't think he was any good until his eighth, then he didnt start teaching AP until his 15th. The last teacher I worked with was in her ninth, and she already believed she had made it and wasn't working to get any better. Gary continually works to get better. I think I'm working hard, I think I'm getting better, it's just so freaking hard. I mean, what if Mr. Martin had been replaced by a student teacher my Senior year? I think I can understand how the students feel. I dont like it, I dont agree with it, and it's freaking kicking my ass, but I can understand it. Damn, it just sucks. I know I'm better than most of the other student teachers I've worked with, but that doesnt matter. I can only compare myself to me. Am I getting better, Am I doing better, every teacher is different, they have their own identity and ideas, their own foibles and problems and issues. Gary tells me about a 6 year veteran who still has problems with class room control. I dont know. I'm getting better. I just need to keep working at it. 3 weeks left, but the learning has just begun. I still have lots of hard work and effort in front of me. I'm willing to put it in, I just dont know if I can. Haven't gotten any points of hiring, so I may not even be teaching next year. Honestly, the Peace Corps is starting to look a whole hell of a lot better. It'll get me the experience, get me a job, and let me see the world. I'm just scared, scared of leaving my home, leaving my country, scared of teaching English as a second language, scared. I dont know, still. I dont think I've been looking as hard as I could be for the jobs, like, I know I'm going to do this, like I want to force myself to do this. I dont know . . . Damn, I'm better than I've been for a long time, I'm a much better teacher, with a much better attitude and position. I dont know. I wish I knew where I stood with Gary. Right now I'm kind of going with the old adage. When you do bad, they'll tell you. When you do good, they dont say a word. There are a couple of things I need to make sure I keep doing.

1. Constantly adjust and change for each class, assess yourself and keep getting better.

2. Failure is not an option, that means something to me now.

3. Make sure all of my kids understand the material, informal assessments.

4. Be fair and consistent with grading. Even though not all students are equal, they need to be treated with fairness.

5. This is high school not college. It may not be a bad idea to consider . . . but right now, lets stick with these kids and have some fun now.

6. Keep thinking about that first year of teaching, how can we make it better.

7. Peace Corps . . . fight v flight . . . scared v opportunity . . .

8. Pace, keep the students working and doing something.

Teacher Work Sample is already done, so lets forget that crap, lets just get through the seminar junk, and lets just keep working hard.

3 years- realized how his class should work

5 years- realized he was a teacher

got out of it

8 years- realized he was good

11 years- started being recognized

15 years- started teaching AP

20 year veteran. Gary has taught for 20 years. Cut yourself some slack, keep working your butt off, and damnit, become the great teacher you know you can be.

Hell yeah.
Keep your fingers crossed.
Later all.

Imagine immortality, where even a marriage of fifty years would feel like a one-night stand. Imagine seeing trends and fashions blur past you. Imagine the world more crowded and desperate every century. Imagine changing religions, homes, diets, careers, until none of them have any real value.Imagine traveling the world until you're bored with every square inch. Imagine your emotions, your loves and hates and rivalries and victories, played out again and again until life is nothing more than a melo-dramatic soap opera. Until you regard the birth and death of other people with no more emotion than the wilted cut flowers you throw away.

- Chuck Palahniuk Lullaby p.228

Whoa, later all.

Get observed tomorrow, have no idea what's going to happen. Have some ideas to finish this quarter, but after Spring Break am lost for ideas. Been told I shouldn't give homework, and need to be more concerned with making it fun. Something with music maybe, have a cool idea for an assignment for over spring break. I want them to do something new everyday, something that they've never done before. Then I want them to find a song that personifies that day and make a soundtrack of their week. It should be cool and fun right. Thinking about doing some creative writing, and reading a play in class. Those are my big ideas, I think that would be fun and cool. Next Friday I plan on haveing a day where the students can just ask me questions. Next Tuesday I'd like another day where they have a chance to evaluate me, block day should be a movie, then Friday they ask the questions.

Am applying for jobs. Looking okay, but Peace Corps would be really cool. Scares the hell out of me, but I think it'd be worth it.

Keep your fingers crossed.
Give me guidance.
Later all.

Read an awesome book, The Life of Pi it was awesome. My kids are turning in fantastic projects that I'm off the wall about. One girl explained a novel using a mathematical equation, tons of cool posters, and a movie that just about sent my jaw through the floor. Watchmen comes out, plan on seeing it this weekend at some point. Going to the school play sometime this weekend. Lots of nothing, tons of everything. Been needing to explain to a parent that her kids a slap-dick, without using so many words. I cant help it if he decides to jack around while the rest of the class is working. I don't know. Once again, it hasn't been what I've been teaching, but how. Unclear directions mostly, poor positive reinforcement, some lax in classroom management. Not what, but how. Been struggling with that, but I feel things are getting better. I'm also a little lost in what I should be teaching. With no requirements and nothing I need to get through, I'm finding it a little difficult to do things that wouldn't be just a waste of time. I think we'll do a play, doing poetry now, I'd like to do some creative writing with them. But I just feel like everything is a waste of time, I'm struggling really focusing on what to do teach. I'm running out of ideas. Especially after Spring Break. He wants it to be fun, well, fun is great, and I can do fun things. But where do we draw the line between fun and learning. I dont know, it's just hard without a specific end in mind. I had that before, I had the Problem/Solution paper, now I just dont feel like I have that. I dont know, just me complaining. It's all good. We'll do some cool stuff. Maybe we can read Life of Pi I think it'd be worth it. I think we can do book club groups. And I'd like to read The Death of a Salesman so we'll see. A lot of the work will have to be in class, but that's okay. Not what but how. I hope that I can find that How here eventually. Peace Corps is looking mighty nice. Paid, two years, chance to extend, see the world, teaching experience. Looking pretty good, unless I get a job by May I think I'm going for it. Wish me luck, and guide me.

Later all.

Hey Everybody. Student teaching has been getting along a little better. I feel better, more confident, stronger, I'm still a little off kelter sometimes, but I feel so much better than I did even three weeks ago. Getting better, stonger, smarter. This damn seminar crap is killing me. That's what I should be working on now. I dont know what they want. They gave us examples, but come on, I cant really justify spending more than a couple of hours on this crap. Not when I have a ton of other planning to do, and other stuff to look at, and frankly, I just need to rewind after a day of work. It's only fair. You put in 10 hour days, why should I be forced to put in two hours on stuff that I dont see any benifit in? Whatever, I dont need to justify it, I just need to get it done. I dont know. Certainly this has got to get easier right? Just getting a lottle old. I'm ready for a break. CSAP this next week, then a three day week, a full week, then spring break. It's all good. This week should be pretty chill, poetry. BAD ASS. POETRY. Thats right. Later all, I'm going to bed. I'll finish this seminar crap tomorrow night, or ten minutes before the seminar, I dont really care. I kind of hope they challenge me on it, I kind of want to snap at this people. Wipe that fake-perky-shit-eating-grin off her dumb face. I'll give them a reason not to mess with me, jerk-offs. Things are looking better. As always, there are still just one or two more things that could make everything better. I dont know. For an English guy, I "dont know" quite a bit. Cut me some slack in the future ok. Cut me some slack, help me get better, and help me get what I need. Keep your fingers crossed.

Later all.

I dont know this week. I got in a little trouble with a couple of classes. I didn't do anything wrong, I just said a couple of stupid things and hurt some of the trust I'd built up. THe problem came when one of the students decided to tell Gary. It didnt help that he then told me that I should think about a new career. I wasn't professional enough, I wasn't in touch with my students, I wasn't building relationships, I wasn't "friendly." I think I'm being a little generous with what he told me. I dont think he was out-of-line, but he could have been a better mentor, give me solid things I need to work on. I didn't think he'd try to convince me to quit. It my have been a test of my resolve. He wasn't sure if I'd be back the next day. I went back, and by the end of the week he was amazed with how much I'd changed. I dont know. He ripped into me pretty hard, I was just about in tears with what he had to say. I dont know. Some of the students really seem to be on my side and seem really invested in what I'm trying, others seem to be looking for a reason to be against me.

What I'm really thinking about are the choices I made. Why did I decide to wear tennis-shoes? Why did I try to be better than I was? I dont know. I just wanted to be better, and I think I convinced myself I was doing something I wasn't. Instead of working hard and doing everything I could have been, I think I was coasting. Just . . . pleased with mediocrity and full of myself. I feel bad, but I think I've changed. I need to overcome and keep at it. Gary told me he was already impressed with how much I'd changed just this week. So I think I'm back on track. I dont know if I just needed someone to put their foot up my ass, or I needed a dose of reality. I think I'm better, not perfect, not great, maybe not even good, but better. Maybe I've just got my head back on straight.

I'm also thinking about the student-teacher dynamics. You see, I see both sides of it. I'm a teacher and a student. I'm amazed at how different this side of the relationship is. I've been a student for 17 years. I never had a "relationship" with my teachers, I never complained about what we were doing, I never whined about the outside world. I'll admit I had it easy. A supportive family, no need to worry about food or shelter, but the premise still remains. I was never real close to a teacher. I'm just amazed. Gary tells me about the carrot and the stick, but I'm not sure if I've yet to see my carrot. I dont see him giving me the positive reinforcment he says I need to give my kids. I just dont know. I'm stuck in the middle of the situation. The whole thing is just freaking goofy. I want to be a twenty-year veteran, but I dont want to put in the twenty years. I dont know how else to say it. Things got . . . easier this week. I think things are back to looking up. I dont know. This week was goofy. Thank god I can change, thank god I'm allowed to change.

Change is weird. I just felt like I needed to say some crap that no one else could ever understand. This week was weird. It's been on my mind, and I'm a little worried about what will happen this next week. Keep your fingers crossed for me. I can do this. I may not be a teacher, I can accept that, but I owe it to myself to give it everything I have and to see this to the end. I owe it to myself to try as hard as I can to do what I need to do and get through this. If they pull me, fine. If I fail, fine. If I can't get hired, fine. I at least owe it to myself to do everything I can and see where this takes me.

Later all.

I'm just tired. I cant tell if it's the crap associated with teaching or something else. It's been a long time. Been teaching. Unfortunetly there seems to be all this other crap that seems to be following me around. I got a guy breathing down my neck and making me look bad everyday, I got students that dont seem to want to learn, I got a huge job search I dont seem to have time for, and i got two old woman with their heads so far up their asses the stuff they give us is straight from their colons. Whatever, it's getting easier to actually do it, but I dont feel like I'm getting any better. I dont feel like I'm doing the good I want to be doing. It doesn't help that I feel completely alone in the world right now. My parents are great, I love them to death, but they just arent what I need at this point in me life. Whatever, just tired and ready. I dont understand why I have to have three levels of observation while my guy is able to write his own ticket. It's just hard and I'm tired. Hopefully things are looking up. I just wish I could get a job already and get that huge monkey off my back, that would make things so much easier.

The grass is always greener . . .

Later everybody.

Is there a name for what's going through my head. I cant seem to get beyond the girl that I hate. Am worried about Tuesday and the continuation of the working with students. Am unsure about setting up a resume. A little worried about being alone. Am a little afraid that the dead are about to rise to feast on the flesh of the living. Apprensive that I wont be able to keep going. I dont get it. Am I sad, mad, happy, content? How can I be completely miserable and completely happy at the same time? I cant seem to conect with my students. Cant seem to let my shied down and just be myself. I cant seem to be happy about being with people. And just want to curl up alone and be by myself for a good long period. I just dont get it. How can all this crap be in my head and still leave me feeling . . . . nothing. Completely alone, afraid, and angry. Yet smothered, excited, and over-joyed. HOw can all of this be wrapped up inside of one little old me. I feel like I;m going to explode. Or just float off. Like my fibers will just realease their hold of the earth and I'll drift off into space. Like I'll just loose myself in time, in place, in history, and just become a lost water mark on the corner of some worn out book in some guys basement. Like my life is rushing toward an aburpt end of sitting and doing the same thing for the rest of my days. Never to change, grow, or learn anything new. I feel like I'm losing myself in a torrent of days and hours and duties. As if the sun has lost it's warmth, and the moon lost it's light. I feel I need to stand up for myself and be heard, but cant seem to raise my voice. I feel afraid to take what is mine and be who I know I can be. As if I'm destined to sit in this one place, at this one time for the rest of days. As through one day i'm to be student teaching and 22, and the next be 50 and doing the next thing I decide to do. I just dont . . . feel right. I dont feel like a part of this world, a part of this race, I feel displaced. Like I missed my dimensional exit and lost my true calling in life. As if the one piece of my exsistance has been shadowed by the wayside of life and I cant recover it. I feel lost in a torrid of tomorrows, and plans, forgotten in lists and money. As if all the sums of my exsistance conclude in some shelves in my room. As if my very being has been questioned and I am to be not but a blasphamous nothing. Lost . . .lost. Alone, with never a chance. Forgotten, with no memory. Left behind in a race with only my two feet to carry me the distance. Is everyday to be struggle, a fight. A new reason to give up, with no reason to fight on? Is everyday only to bring a new tomorrow with only the rising and setting sun? Is there only the same horizen I've seen for years and years now. To be lost and forgotten by any and all who care to find and remember. Am I to not even register on the radar of tomorrown, of today, of yesterday? Must I progress, play and continue? Must I jump and beg, fight and strife. Must I live without, and be buried by excess. Can I ever be me again? Can I ever live and succeed? Must I, will I struggle, and run aground continually? Can I ever find my missing piece?

Student Teaching

Well, my second week of student teaching is coming to a close. I'm getting better, the classes are getting easier. I'm starting to enjoy it again, and feel like I know I can in the classroom. I'm coming out of the box I found myself in at the beginning of the school year. I'm not sure I find myself as close to the rest of the staff as I'd like, and I dont really know how to change that. If I join one side I alienate another. I just dont want to be a part of this ugliness surrounding the department. I need to make sure I keep Gary happy, but I cant be his friend, he's twice my age and in a different stage of life and with different interests. He's a great guy, I just dont know where I stand within this group of people. I'm trying to get along with my students first. Trying to get to know all of them and see them as people before I can start to be friends with the people in the department. Besides, there really arent any young male teachers hanging around, that's just not where we normally find ourselves. I'm coming along. I'm not as good as I know I can be, but I think I'm getting better. Week two down. I still need to set up a resume and get my name out to different schools, and I need to join a team or something and get involved outside of the classroom. I'm still hoping to teach for a year, and then join the Peace Corps. Gary seems to be saying good things about me, and the school is going to be firing teachers at the end of this year. Always scary when teachers are getting fired. But this might be a time for me to slip in and pick up a job. I dont know. How can they justify hiring me when they are firing time-tested teachers. Theres a lot of cleaning-house that needs to happen (supposedly), and i might be able to snag a one-year contract, but only time can tell.

To next week, and the weeks after.
Later all.

My first day

Today was my first day of student teaching. It was pretty freaking scary. I have three classes, all of the same subject. It's exciting. the other two classes are AP, and Gary and I will be team teaching those classes. the class that seems really tough will be the fifth period class. They will push me, but I dont think it'll be too much of a problem. I'm excited. Today seemed tough and I'm just zonked tonight. I dont know what exactly to say. I've complained about it for two years now, I wish teachers would just be honest with me, but I wish Gary would just give me a little more lip service. If he would just tell me I'm doing good or that I suck at life, then I think I would feel better. I'm at that middle ground where I just dont know what to feel about how I've done. I feel okay, I'm just not sure what exactly I'll be doing all semester. Today just intimidated me. I hope the rest of the semester starts to flow. RIght now I'm a little shakey and just dont know what to feel or say. I'll process a little bit and hopefully I can get back to you. Not a bad day, I dont hate myself and I think I'm ready for tomorrow. Today was just the first day in a lifetime of them, and I dont really know how to feel about it.

Wish me luck all. Later