Been Awhile

Been awhile. I think I'm broken, I just cant get the energy or feeling up to do anything. End of semester coming up quickly. Two little papers, and a few assessment tools and that's it for my college career. I'm a mixed bundle of emotions.

First, I'm just plain dead. Energy and emotional. I just . . . dead. Numb I guess is as good a word as any, Like when you go to the dentist and they numb your lips, I feel like I'm just at that moment where you start to think that maybe something is wrong and the feelings never coming back. I dont know how else to describe it. I feel like an idiot. I didnt have a relationship with this girl, we were never committed or had anything like that, why do I feel . . . nothing. Dead inside. I cant even seem to look at girls any more. I dont get it. I'd say it hurts, but I dont know. It's not pain, I feel like I want to cry but cant make it happen. I feel like I want to get mad, but I dont. I just dont get it.

I have to take strength from my father. Married, with a little girl he loves more than anything in the world, and the woman throws him out. My dad is the greatest person I've ever known. Loyal, strong, honest, wise. He's the perfect guy, I'm pretty sure he could have any woman he wanted on our street, but he loves my mom with a passion. He went through some real hard times, REAL pain, and he found a whole new life, a whole new world. Sure my mom my be crazy and bug the crap out of everybody, but he loves her. He loves her everyday. He knows it, I know it, and I'm sure she knows it.

He went through some real tuff shit, and here I am whining about not getting a date and the opportunity for casual sex. I dont know. I feel like I'm broken.

We lost our basketball tournament. Second round of playoffs, not bad for a team of nobodys with only 6 people. I'm unstoppable underneath, I just dont put up the points. I like Defense and Rebounds. And after the crap that happened last night, I wasnt really into it. Oh, last night, so we have the game wrapped up. like 30 seconds left and we're up by 15. I'm laying in an easy lay-up, just to get them the ball so we cant screw it up. The guy basically uses my face as a springboard to block the shot. And here's the best part, NO FOUL. My entire right side is numb from the hit he laid on me, and my eye is messed up, NO CALL. Then I start bleeding and they still dont stop the game. I freaked out at the refs. I started yelling at them, very unusual for me. I had to apologize afterwards. I'm a big softy, and they're just kids, but after that, I didn't want to play anymore. Whatever, still the best I've ever done up here.

People Fucking Suck. It hurts. I got to take strength from my dad, I'm hoping some distance will settle me, but it hurts.

Give me strength. Later